Thursday, October 18, 2012
Do you know how hard it is for me to eat normal food?
To eat food that I myself have prepared?
It's really really hard.
Harder than it should be.
I will explain:
My name is Emily and I'm addicted to fast food. Seriously. I am. And I'm not trying to say "OMG I LOOOVE FAST FOOD" when I say this. I mean like psychologically and physiologically...I'm addicted. It's a problem. Both for my wallet and my waistband.
It doesn't help that I'm also addicted to caffeine. Another real issue I'm trying to be real about. I have withdrawals and headaches and the whole shebang.
Another reason--probably the main reason--it's so hard for me to eat normal food is because I have about 0% confidence in my cooking abilities. I grew up in a home where my mom and dad made the most basic meals you can think of. Spaghetti, soft tacos, hamburger helper, frozen pizza, crockpot roast...etc. In short--I learned absolutely nothing. The cooking skills I gleaned from growing up are skills that poor freshmen college students survive off of. (How to make Ramen, hot pockets, pancakes, hot dogs...) I never even learned how to brown hamburger meat. I am pretty helpless.
Since I've been at college I've embarked on a few culinary adventures. I've made my share of pasta and grilled cheese...I made chicken enchiladas once...various roommates have tried and failed countless times to help me be more adventurous...but when it comes down to it I'm still basically clueless.
What I find most disconcerting is that I often don't trust myself even when I do muster up the courage to make food. I'll boil chicken to put in pasta and this panic will come over me that I didn't do it right and then when I'm eating the finished product I'm sort of plugging my nose so I don't have to taste what has surely turned out as some sort of disgusting water-trash.
I even made a sandwich the other day that I didn't enjoy because I had convinced myself that the meat was probably stale and that the bread was cheap. I COULDN'T EVEN MAKE AND ENJOY A SANDWICH. THE MOST BASIC UNIT OF HUMAN CONSUMPTION.
This semester I moved into the Lion House. No, not the fancy restaurant in SLC. This isn't a rags to riches idiot made chef story. It's a little house south of BYU campus. I live with 8 girls who are all pretty great. One of them, Amy, happens to be an amazing cook. I mean, everyone else in the house from what I've gathered is pretty capable of cooking and WAY more capable than myself, but Amy is one of those people who just knows what she's doing in the kitchen. Yesterday I found she had made a sweet chili roasted pepper something or other egg salad sandwich?? LIKE IT WAS NO BIG DEAL. Folks, it was a huge deal. I tasted it and I felt like I was at Zupas. Nay, like I was at somewhere fancier than Zupas (I can't really reference fancy places because I eat at McDonald's every day so).
Bottom line: she's legit. She makes food for herself for almost every meal. Can you see how sad it is that I'm so amazed by this? But she makes DELICIOUS gourmet awesome food. She made homemade gnocchi I mean. That's all I need to say really.
Anyway I've devised a plan. I'm going to place myself under Amy's apprenticeship--whether she likes it or not. I'm going to force her to go grocery shopping with me and to teach me how to be a normal person.
I get paid tomorrow and I plan on buying FOOD. Eggs, bread, milk, meat...I mean who knows what's out there! There's a world of opportunity at my fingertips! I'm going to make lunches and dinners and I'm going to try really hard.
I want you to believe in me so that I can believe in me.
Over the summer I made a blogpost saying I was going to get my trash back into gear. I promised I was going to start working out more and do weight watchers bla bla bla.
Well none of those things happened. Things just went way down hill way fast. I was talking to Christy the other night and just crying because I'm so self-conscious of my body image lately. It takes a lot for me to feel pretty lately.
I'm so aware of my problems and what I need to do to fix them but I'm so not motivated. It makes me so. So. Sad. I just want to be happy. I want to be in control. So I'm going to start small. I know drastic changes are risky so I will probably buy a 12 pack of soda tomorrow. I figure 12oz of coke a day is better than 40. And I'm sure I'll still eat out but I need to start somewhere. I need to get my shiz together.
Sorry that this a super long boring post but I needed to write these things down. Maybe I'll even go to the gym tomorrow morning before class. Maybe I will buy hypnosis weight loss tapes. Maybe I'll gain 100 pounds. But know where I stand and how I feel right now in this moment.
I feel ready for change.