Friday, August 3, 2012

To My Future Daughter

(disclaimer: I am not pregnant. Or dating anyone.)

To my future daughter.

There are some things you should know.

You can get your ears pierced when you start your period. It might seem unfair at first, but you'll thank me when you're sitting in your 1st grade class watching your friend pick puss out of her earlobe and crying because she doesn't know how to put the post back through. Once you figure out tampons you'll be able to handle earrings. That's just how it goes.

Don't be self conscious about your middle name. It's Rigby. And if you're living in an area not highly saturated with Mormons or a time where children have never heard of The Beatles, you might get some flack. But trust me. It's a cool-ass name. Your great-something polygamous grandfather founded Rigby, Idaho after all.

All of your friends are going to be wearing Aeropostale. Don't envy them. You've got a sweet neon windbreaker and skinny jeans. You look awesome.

In your teen years, at sleepovers your friends will heterosexually compliment your breasts and your complexion etc. because you are un-obnoxiously pretty, and you'll have to find ways to respond that don't make you sound like a self-absorbed bi-ch. Or else everyone will think you are a self-absorbed b-tch.
Example: "Dude, seriously, your boobs are like perfect." "Whateverrr." "No really. Want to trade?" "Yeah right!"
(Okay so even if you're not coming off as an arrogant teenager these conversations are going to be awkward. But you're a girl and they are going to happen. I don't know why, but they do.)

Never date someone you don't like. It's going to be tempting because they will shower you with praise and tell you you are the prettiest girl in the world and you might even think kissing them is OK but your life will be 100% less complicated if you learn to say no early in the game.

Never date anyone you meet on Twitter. It's going to seem like a good idea, I know. You will make the same jokes and laugh at all the same stuff and he might even be cute, but it will end badly. Because as you will find out, the internet doesn't translate very well into real life. I don't know how those eHarmony people find love. I'm 99% sure it's a hoax. Anyway all of his friends will unfollow you and you will most likely feel sad about it so just stick to real boys.

Never date someone in band. (marching)

Never be in band. (unless there is no marching involved)

Never date someone in a band. (unless they have a banjo/are not successful)

Always be kind.

Brush your teeth twice a day.

Never date your ex's best friend.

You're really smart, but a lot of people in college are going to be smarter than you. They will get A's on tests you got C's on and it's going to be fine. (Oh yeah. You're going to get C's in college. And D's too. I mean try hard not to, but it will probably happen. So don't let it stress you out.)

Be yourself. I know that phrase is thrown around a lot, but what I mean is, if the really funny guy in your English class doesn't seem to like you, don't try to act differently so that he will. Make jokes about inappropriate things and quote TV shows that you like and realize that if he STILL doesn't fall in love with you when you're being your adorable quirky self, someone someday will. And that's all that matters.

I love you. I'm going to tell you that every day and I expect to hear it back. We're going to hug and laugh and do each others' hair and watch Gilmore Girls together because we're friends. I will take you to Walgreens late at night to buy hair dye when that guy from Twitter I told you not to date just broke up with you and you're feeling rash. I will listen to you when you've had a bad day because your choir teacher yelled at you and you cried in front of everyone in the class.

I will take you seriously.

You will get frustrated with me.

But we will turn out fine.

See you when you get here.

Love, your future mom.