Friday, April 27, 2012


When my mom talks about boys that she dated before she married my dad it's always pretty entertaining. Especially when she talks about "Bruce." Some comments are along these lines:

-Yeah, Bruce was really rude. I wouldn't have asked him to pick me up from the airport
-One time Bruce left me at a gas station
-Rude Bruce used to tell me I needed to lose weight


Though I get a kick out of my mom's rantings, I've recently realized that this guy is a real person somewhere with real feelings and a real life...
And so from this point forward I have vowed to try my darnedest never to be somebody's "Bruce."

I really love people. Genuinely. And when something doesn't work out, it's important to remember that most of the time that's just all there is to it. Just because something didn't last this time, don't forget that something, someday, WILL. And that's all that matters.

So if something has ended between me and someone else, I hope I was at least good and kind.
I'm willing to bet most girls that you think are "bitches" are actually really emotionally struggling with a lot of things. In fact, most people are deeper than you make them out to be. I don't know. Try not to hate people I guess is what's been on my mind. Try really really hard. Because it's just not worth it.

Try to love. Even when it's hard and somebody seems like a complete and total "Bruce."

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Pajama Jeans aren't even comfy

So I'm in that transition period between Winter and Spring right now. I guess we all are. But this year it's the kind where I'm still in Provo, a lot of my friends have left, and I feel sad A LOT.
And I unbutton my pants at work like, EVERY DAY. (sorry I'm not sorry)
I've been trying to distract myself and tell myself that things are fine. Like, you know, I have class and work and I still have cool roommates and some friends in the ward and my family and things.
But transitions prove to be hard regardless. And life is hard.

So I think about what would make me happier.

1. A PILE of kittens. Just like a whole big pile of them.
2. Musical friends that I could be in a band with. (Yesterday I happened upon some gentlemen in Condo Row who play in a band and offered my services to them but turns out I'll probably never see them again because of strangers are danger/awkward.)
3. Being back in Seattle.
4. Being in California with Christy.
5. Being in Europe with the rest of freaking everyone I know in the world. Like seriously? I feel like everyone goes on a Study Abroad. Why can't I do that? Where's my thousands of dollars?!
6. Being skinnier.
7. Having cuter clothes.
8. Hanging out on 100block again.
9. I dunno. Maybe like a soda. Maybe a boyfriend.

 BOYS. FRICK. I guess it's also that time of the year where I unrealistically daydream about dating everyone that I come in contact with until I eventually remember "how my life works" and give up. LOL.

In the meantime, here's a picture of Nancy holding Tyler's nephew Sterling--AKA the cutest ball of baby ever--Also for your viewing pleasure, a little Mexican boy with a bowl cut that I saw in Seattle. Adorable.

I know that life is good and that things will turn out okay. I do. But
sometimes I just freaking want to know what's coming next and what I should be doing with my life. And I just sometimes wish for a giant pile of kittens. That's all. 

Friday, April 6, 2012

Diaries of a fat kid

I'm at work right now and before I got here I went to Taco Bell. I ordered a meal deal #1 which consisted of a chicken burrito, a medium mt. dew (no ice) and a bag of doritos. But as I was ordering I thought to myself, I'm going to still be SUPER hungry if I only eat a meal deal #1. So I said "And can I also get a beefy 5 layer burrito with that also?" (I really did say "also" twice because I get nervous at the drive-thru, but more on that later.)

So I gathered my spoils--totaling a mere $4.04--went home, and scarfed. The burritos tasted like they had been sitting out for 6 hours, but I scarfed nonetheless. I didn't eat the doritos because I got full.
Immediately after I had demolished my $4 worth of reckless abandon, I felt sad. I remembered waking up this morning and looking at myself in the mirror and vowing that I would keep it under control today.
--Don't worry guys, this isn't the part where I tell you that I threw up because I didn't learn anything from that Lifetime movie I watched in middle school. Yeah right, that video was next level scare-tactics.--
But this is the part where I wonder 'how come I can't get control of my life?

Last year around this time I told myself I would do better. I started weight watchers and went to the gym pretty regularly. And guess what? I lost 15 pounds in like 5 months! I was super proud of myself. I bought new clothes and I felt pretty and confident.

Well...then school started and all hell broke loose. I suddenly became completely incapable of controlling my eating habits. I started to justify eating o
ut for every meal because I just "didn't have time to cook." I wigged out over my work/class schedule and started eating huge meals in the middle of the day followed by weird dinners at night and LOTS of soda everywhere in between. Consequently over the last 7 months I don't think I've gained back all 15 pounds, but I'm probably at least halfway there...I don't know for sure. I haven't weighed myself in a while...

Here's my plan though:

I'm going to hit up Weight Watchers on Saturday morning. I'm going to weigh myself and figure out the collateral damage and then commit once again to doing something about it. Then, over the summer when I'm not super busy, I can lose 15 pounds again!

Just to be clear--I don't see myself as extremely overweight. I see myself as pretty normal weight-wise. I don't obsess over the circumference of my thighs, or spend hours playing with my fat while talking to other people about how fat I am. I only do that, like, once or twice a week. As Zack Galifianakis might say "I'M NOT THAT FAT!" But, I don't feel particularly great about myself either. And that's what really counts. I want to escape from the person I've become who gobbles down a McChicken sandwich and a large coke from McDonald's almost daily. NOBODY WANTS TO BE/LOVE THAT PERSON. I'm pretty sure about that.

Eating is emotional and psychological...and thinking about controlling it makes me extremely anxious. It's a guilty pleasure, it's an escape, it's a's an ADDICTION.

Basically, I just don't want to have to shell out money for a bunch of new pairs of pants. I want to keep wearing the pants I have! This one's for you, pants.
And for you, Paula.