Thursday, December 9, 2010

Horror

I walk into the small office, nervous, but feeling like I don't really need to be nervous. This is BYU right? This is a place that will make me feel comfortable and welcome. There is a box of kleenex sitting on the couch across from his desk. I laugh inside my head. I doubt I'll be crying. But there is something very foreboding about that box.
We both sit down.
We go over the logistics. He is civil.
I'm waiting for it to get started. The grand realizations, the words of comfort.
Tell me a little bit about yourself and why you're here today.
I figured a question like this was coming. I spout off some general info. I tell him that I feel stressed at this transitional time in my life. I go on about how I feel less confidant in relationships than I should. He doesn't nod his head or stop me so I try to keep talking. Then I run out of words and he just stares.
He's got these icy blue eyes that could freeze Hell. And they're baring into me. I stare back. Look away. Play with my hands a little. Finally he says something like, And...why do you think things are this way?Psych games. I get it. I say something vague like. I don't really know. I guess because of things that have happened in the past and such.
Again, he just stares. He doesn't move a muscle in his face. I am beginning to sweat.
Could you....be more specific?
I...I don't really know...what to say...
More silence and blue eyed staring. I feel like his prey. I feel like he is waiting for me to choke so he can swoop down and tear me apart. Then he says, in a very flat tone, with almost no expression,
I just...don't really see why you're here.
At first I wait for him to say more, to follow up with a nice comment. Something like "A lot of students come in and don't really know how to approach the process. Let's ask some more questions." But he says nothing and my throat gets tight fast and I know I'm going to cry. The same way I knew I was going to the other night when Derek told me I didn't know how to make rice krispie treats.
He stares and says nothing and the tears are definitely coming now. I'm shaking and choking. I look at his stern face, unchanging, waiting for the kill. He says, "It's okay, that's why we have lots of kleenex."
The box.
It hits me. What I should've known all along. It was his goal from the start to make me feel this way. It's like I'm some sick experiment to him. I am suddenly hyper-aware of the little camera he has set up in the corner that I agreed to be recorded on. Suddenly I hate him. Suddenly I hate myself for thinking this would be a good idea. I hate everything and I can't stop crying and I hate that he made me cry. I hate his total lack of compassion in his icy blue stare. I hate that I singed his paper and I want to throw his camera to the floor.
In the next twenty minutes or so that follow I am in a constant state of blubbering wet hot mess and confusion.

What's going on with you right now? If your tears had words what would they say?

What would they say?! They would say. I'm stupid for coming here, I want to leave, I feel uncomfortable and upset. (Heads up, guy, I'm not crying because secretly somewhere deep inside my parents are dead and divorced and tragedy has stricken all facets of my life. I am crying because you are an ass who made me cry.)

I can imagine you...standing in a football field and they're telling you to play this game and you're standing there not knowing what to do. I mean they've just handed you this ball and you can't be expected to know.

I nod my head very slightly.....................WHAT.
Am I being punked? Nothing you have said or done to me thus far has been helpful in the least. In fact I now feel much worse about myself than I ever did. And very confused.

I can imagine when I asked why you were here you probably felt angry. I know I would've thought. Hey you're a jerk you're supposed to listen to me and help me!


I nod...my head...Yes...I say.

I know it probably feels like I've pushed to some uncomfortable places with you, but those places are often the ones that bring the most answers.

Wait. What? So are you actually not a heartless robot? You were just being stone cold to make me cry...and upset...because you thought that would...somehow help me...feel better...or...no...I'm not understanding at all.
Yeah...I say.

Well we have about 5 minutes left so let me tell you what I think would be best for you. Tom has a great group that meets starting in January does that sound good?
I nod my head. Yeah...uh huh....

Okay do you have any other questions?
Nope.
Okay see you later then.--a slight smile--
See you...
I walk away without looking back once.

I really hope you struggle through your doctoral program, Jason. I'm just pretty sure that's not how things should go.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Shakin in my boots

This morning I listened to Sweet Disposition on the way to work and it reminded me of Mike. And I felt sad for a minute. Then I started writing a few songs in my head.
Then I got to work all sweaty and nasty.
Callers started calling.
I got on Twitter and Gmail and Blackboard.
I placed a call to England which was exciting!

Then Ryan called...
I've never gotten him before and I didn't even realize it was him until I was transferring his call.
And now my heart is racing and I'm afraid every call will be from him.
I always forget that he's still around...

I just can't wait to escape to Blanding. Ha.

I want to listen to A Camp now.
Or Tilly and the Wall.
But I'm at work and can't access anything with sound.

Friday, November 5, 2010

The way I should be is sane

After sucessfully wasting the first...three hours at work navigating people's blogs,
MAYBE I will get started on this news analysis.
This paper that we were supposed to be working on all semester. That is due Tuesday.
I don't even know what to write. I haven't even begun to think about an outline...oye.

People just keep calling! And I'm sitting at the desk with the suckiest phone. And I'm wearing this giant brown flannel shirt. I do love when old people/british/australian people call in though. And funny people and really nice ones. This really is the best job. Hopefully stupid people that think the internet is the answer to everything won't ruin it for me. Derek is always like "Your job is dumb because people can look anything up online and it's so much easier BLAH BLAH BLAH." He's just not a phone person. WHATEVS. "BYU operator...Yes one moment...that number is...and I'll connect!...You're welcome." That's just as easy as the internet. And more personable. Plus. Sometimes BYU's website is just a pain. And I relieve that pain. I am human Tylenol.

In other news. I've been. SOoooo bipolar lately. I never know how I'll be feeling next. Like yesterday. I was so grumpy and didn't want to deal with anyone and I was stressing trying to work on my paper and I fell asleep. I woke up to Derek by my side calling me "hey sleepyhead" and what not...and I was SO happy to see him. I was so confused because the natural reaction should have been annoyance and violence, but it was the best ever. We went to his house and ate the best steak I have ever tasted in my entire life. Then when I got home I felt sad again...I really just...(AHH THAT BRITISH GUY JUST CALLED AGAIN YES)
I just want things to be consistent.
I can't figure anything outttt. It's okay though. Because I'm trying. And...I know...that eventually...Things will make sense in my life. At least more than they do now.
Except what am I going to do when my roommate goes to Jerusalem next semester! :(
(Aaaaaaand british guy calls yet AGAIN. I love him.)

I want:
To go to the international cinema when it's dark and cold outside
A car
My old roommates back
Cookie decorating parites
To stop having dreams about getting engaged/married
More friends besides Derek
A motorized scooter
etc....

"The way I should be is happy
I should be singing out your name
The way I should be is smiling
The way I should be is sane"

Rapunzel fo dayz

The problem with you is,
you're the wrong kind of prince.

You climbed my tower and made it to the very top.
You came in through the window.
You have my attention.

But I never let my hair down for you.
Don't you see that?

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

You fill up my senses...

That other time that I blogged about breaking up with someone. It doesn't really mean anything now.
I have a boyfriend. For the first time since my senior year of high school. It's weird.
When I'm with them, I feel so good. And I feel like they're the real deal. Like I should have no reason to feel anything but totally wrapped up in good feelings...
He's smart. Like book smart like he has a giant head, but he's also full of wisdom. Like he just understands life and knows where he's going. He's funny. He gets my humor, doesn't think I'm weird, and makes me laugh too. He's nice. He makes me food and he is one helluvah cook. Holy delicious. And he gives me the bottom of his ice cream cone. The best part. And he tells me I'm beautiful. He's responsible but loves going places and having fun.
He's great.
So I should be so happy. And I am! But somehow...sometimes...I just feel like there is something missing. And I can't put my finger on it. And I don't know what to do because I should be more excited about the whole deal. Right?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

GIMME THAT SHIRT

Threadless.com
I saw three people wearing the "We're on the same level" shirt today. The one with the giraffe and the dinosaur hugging. Good thing I didn't buy that one. Instead I purchased the contradictory music genres one and the "anatomy of a shirt" one. Lazar cats was sold out. But seriously. Everyone loves threadless! It's crazy.
I saw one that says "I don't blog, I just TWEET A LOT." and i thought. That's me....that's totally me. haha. Oh man.

So I went to Pirate Island tonight for "karaoke and half price appetizers" only the appetizers were a lie. Anyway I sang Dancing Queen and felt like an idiot. I really just freeze when it comes to performing. I may act like a crazy person in groups of friends or at parties or whatever...but actually performing...or public speaking...I just can't do it. I always THINK I can....but it never turns out well. I'm also a terrible actress. Ha. whatever. Anyway there were SO many hipsters there. And I just kept thinking. Hey, skinny girls that wear no makeup and don't brush your hair and wear baggy shirts. WHAT'S YOUR DEAL. Oh. Cool leather satchel. Cool. Cool mini skirt. Cool belts. Cool middle part. What. Whaaat. Yikes. Why is ugly the new cute. WHY.

Anyway. I have no work tomorrow. Didn't work today either. Is it weird that I kind of miss it? Also...I become way less productive without it. So weird.
Work or no work I should probably go to bed at a decent time. Tired.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

My lips are bleedin'

I'm free.
Da&#it.


And it's okay that my face is a lot fatter than it was last year right? And that I have a Justin Bieber poster hung right next to my Beatles '65 poster? And that I frequently stay in and watch Grey's Anatomy instead of socializing?

Yeah.
I'm free.
Most definitely.

Give me a call. ; { )

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

My hands are shakin'

Can someone teach me how to put a picture at the top of my blog? Maybe some decorations on the sides...?
Also, I'm really wishing that last post wasn't in capital letters. I always post late at night and often regret them. But if I deleted every post I didn't feel 100% confident in, this blog would cease to exist. Probably. Ehh.
Okay so...I'm back in Seattle right now! I've been home for about six days? It feels like a long time and it feels like I'll be here forever. But school starts next week. I'm not ready. Everyone else has been away since April...not I said the pig. Sigh...
I mean I'm excited I am. I'm excited and optimistic that this next year will be really great...but I wish I could just take some more time off. It's so nice to just be free of responsibilities for a while. Everyone knows the feeling. Hopefully by Saturday I'll be in the "I'm bored and anxious to start learning again!" mood. At least I'm only taking like. 4 classes. 4 days a week. No big deal. Maybe I'll have a major soon...

Major ideas: Journalism, Screenwriting, Music education, English teaching...

I don't know. They say you'll change it a few times after you pick one...but I can't even declare some of those without taking introductory courses first...I'll be in college forever.

Okay so here's a funny thing. Lately I've been treating someone not so good...but they don't realize it. So I feel bad...but at the same time...I know it's not making them unhappy. For example. I'll say things like "Don't touch me, gross nerd" or "I'm only gonna break your heart. I told you from the start" or "I don't want people seeing us together. I have a crush on the maintainance guy." ETC. But this person thinks I'm hilarious and takes everything I say as a joke if I don't preface it with "Hey we need to talk. Seriously. Put your Waynes World quotes away for a few minutes."
Anyway. Eventually I'm going to have to be honest with this person without relying on them taking it as a joke. I'm not looking forward to that day.
I never know how to break up with people. (Totally unrelated to the above comments..?)
Usually I tell them I just want a break. Then I spout off some reasons why I personally can't be involved. Then I involve outside sources like my job or my parents or school...etc. Then after a series of excuses later I end up telling them the truth.
It hurts. Do people realize that the breaker-upper feels like garbage too? I hate making people feel bad. I tend to avoid confrontation like the plague. It wastes time and energy. But sometimes things just take their natural course. In the words of Ash, "Sometimes it happens feelings die. Whole years are lost in the blink of an eye. We once had it all but events conspired. Oh sometimes..."

Man. After reading other people's blogs I feel like I totally do it wrong. Skilled blogging...takes...skill...Abby and Caitlin are good at it. And my sister. Whatever. It doesn't have to be my thing just because it's a lot of other people's. I do enjoy it from time to time though...

Last minute thoughts:
-I went whale watching and saw the backs of a few Minke.
-I got my hair cut.
-I watched Dances with Wolves for the first time yesterday. Nobody warned me that they don't speak english...
-I am now a BYU operator. If you didn't know. Call (801)422-INFO for all your BYU questions and concerns. I might answer. Who knows... :)

Saturday, August 14, 2010

There's nothing you can sing that can't be sung.

LOVE IS ALL ANYONE WRITES ABOUT. AND, SEE, I REALLY LIKE TO WRITE, BUT I DON'T REMEMBER IF I'VE EVER BEEN IN LOVE. I THINK I'VE COME CLOSE TO IT A FEW TIMES. BUT IT'S FAR AWAY NOW. AND NOW I HAVE OVALTINE FOR BREAKFAST EVERY MORNING AND I TRY TO WRITE SONGS AND I KISS A LOT OF PEOPLE AND SLEEP IN.
I GUESS EMILY DICKINSON WAS NEVER IN LOVE BECAUSE SHE NEVER LEFT HER HOUSE, BUT SHE WROTE ABOUT IT WELL ENOUGH.
THIS TOWN IS FULL OF PEOPLE IN LOVE. FULL OF FIANC√ČES AND MARRIAGES AND BABIES AND LIFE.
I'D LIKE TO BE A PART OF IT ALL. BUT I'D ALSO LIKE TO DECLARE MY MAJOR.
I LOVE...FOOD. AND THE GOSPEL. AND MY FAMILY. AND MUSIC. AND PEOPLE IN GENERAL. I LOVE A LOT. BUT TO BE IN LOVE...I CAN'T REMEMBER. MAYBE IVE NEVER BEEN OLD ENOUGH FOR THAT KIND OF THING?
MY HEART WANTED TO TYPE THIS OUT IN CAPITAL LETTERS. IT LOOKS LIKE A TYPEWRITER DOESN'T IT? WELL...ONE THAT ONLY DOES CAPITALS I GUESS...
NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, I'M PRETTY SURE TYPEWRITERS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ABLE TO DIFFERENTIATE.
MAYBE IT'S A TELEGRAM...YES. THIS BLOG LOOKS LIKE A TELEGRAM. STOP.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I think I'm growing up

Some day I will write a coherent/meaningful/worthwhile blog...

Year round college has given me a lot of opportunity to learn. Some examples:

Each new trendy person I meet that turns out to be full of him/herself/too cool for school - I'm realizing that people are unpredictable and that I don't have to dress a certain way to have awesome friends. Fashion is nice. But doesn't define me. I don't have enough money or will power to keep up/keep my closet filled with the latest urban outfitter $70 giant sweaters or cheap sandals. A girl in my Living Prophets class today was wearing a straight up mini skirt...not even with leggings. Really girl?
Just give me all the 80s thrift store apparel in the world and i'll be happy...

Each new class I struggle with - I'm not good at everything, and I'm pretty lazy. I justify my lack of studying with a feeling that most students are like that...I mean who has the time to read 20 pages of textbook just to feel caught up during lecture? As long as you cram before tests...

Each new calling I get in church - I can lead people, but I really have to work on being serious when I should be. Just got called to be a Sunday school teacher. This could either result in me making a fool of myself constantly, or learning how to balance my need to make people laugh with actual substance. Or both...

Every time I do my own laundry - Living costs a lot of money. And I don't separate colors from whites.

Every night I sleep in this place alone - I really do have to clean up after myself.

I thought I was pretty mature and figured out but. There is a lot to learn. I told my mom I was going to get married so I wouldn't have to worry about feeding myself anymore and she said "Good. Then you can still eat, but together." I'm taking that as a free pass to putting off learning how to cook...now just need to find me a man...ha. Advice from my sister in law "You can smooch all you want and date all you want. Just don't get married yet. Don't be a child bride."
I agree with her. I'm just so impatient. Life has been moving in slow motion since April. I'm ready to press PLAY again.
But I'm in no hurry to "grow up". That will keep happening on it's own.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Good Sabbath.

Earlier today...I felt great. I felt calm and collected and fine.
I'm pretty sure it all went down the drain just because of a study group. Not to mention the unexpected visitor...
I always forget how much I hate studying for tests with other people. You know? It's so stressful, and I spend hours doing half of what I could do on my own.
Having input from other people is nice...but not when you're totally unprepared. So now I feel completely exhausted and unmotivated and compelled to jump off of a bridge...

Guess I could blame it on the hormones...?
Guess I just wish that kid in my ward would stop saying things like "All the girls around here are dating someone" or "Yeah man I just need a date" around me...I'm not a robot nor a boy. And I'm definitely extremely single...And you kind of rule...

I'm thinking...putting a youtube motab playlist on will make me feel better. As "lame" as that might sound...ha.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

As if.

There is a boy that rides a very small, very loud, very bright green motorbike type contraption around this neighborhood all the time. I want to as him for a lift someday.

Instead of posting all the negative things I've been thinking lately,
I'm going to try and be positive.
I will try to be the best person I can be. Super nice, happy, reading my scriptures, being friendly to people at school, praying....all while not being phony. Genuinely happy.
And if I still feel like I'd rather be living at home in 4 weeks because things just aren't working out...then maybe it's okay if I take a break. I have a scholarship for summer. I could get two, maybe three more general eds out of the way for free. But I'm just. Still. So stuck in transition.

Is it bad that I'd rather escape?

I just want to say: Neverending story is not a song (or movie) that should give one the license to call the listener a "psycho",
and Clueless is not a film for 9 year olds. It's sophisticated. IT'S EMMA. I almost cried tonight because someone was dissing Clueless. Then again they were doing so after I said "That's like my favorite movie!" so it felt kinda personal. I'M SO SENSITIVE ahhhhhhhhhh.

What am I going to do tomorrow? Sleep in till forever. Shower. Eat. Watch hulu? Curl my hair? Walk to 7-11?

Steal that green motorbike?

Friday, May 14, 2010

BEHIND THE PRINCESS

I......am so bored.....
And wanted to know which princess voices were duplicates. I'm assuming it's something you're curious about as well. And well, here it is:

Ariel and Thumbelina are the same singer and voice actress : Jodi Benson
Jasmine and Mulan are the same singer : Lea Salonga
Belle has only ever played Belle : Paige O'Hara
Princess Odette is the same as Jasmine from Aladin II AND Anastasia : Liz Callaway
The singer for Pochahontas was only Pochahontas (Well, she was also "Princess Ting Ting from Mulan II...but that means nothing)

Aaaand the rest of them are old. So I'm going to assume they were not duplicated/I don't care.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

I could put you in a Mansion

Here's the thing...
My new roommates...I don't think they get me. They are all athletic pretty brunettes that are super organized and driven and have different tastes than me and...well.

I'm messy. I never make my bed. My shoes and clothes are everywhere. My desk is constantly cluttered. And I'm really bad at painting my nails. I usually never do. I watch a lot of TV. I eat a lot of food and almost never exercise. I drink caffeinated soda. I LOVE fast food. I'm a horrible cook. I think things like youtube videos, SNL, 30 rock, Parks and Rec, Arrested Development, and Demetri Martin are funny. I don't like country music. I'm a nice person and pretty positive, but I'm also subtle. I don't see reason in starting confrontation/being mean. I love to sing. I love people,

but when I don't understand someone I'd rather not spend all my time with them.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

No, wait. Real vomit.

I'm sick.
But the doctor told me to suck it.
Whatere, whatere.

Good thing I'm not still in high school because prom was today!
Happy prom everyone.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

F

I'm SO done.
Really?
This is the third time since I've been at college.
Why does this keep happening to me?!
I blame myself.
Which SUCKS.
Cryptic cryptic bla bla bla.
Basically...

Life Lessons of Emily's Freshman Year of College:
-Trendy boys mean nothing. They can be jerks, nerds, weirdos, tools, just like any other boy. Nice clothing, by NO means, guarantees nice personality.
-Someone can like the same music and movies as you and be completely incompatible with you at the same time.
-Don't kiss boys you only sort of like. It ends badly EVERY TIME.

Whatere. Sometimes it's hard to be optimistic. Sometimes i feel like that's okay...

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Cantonese!

Today in creative writing we were creating a character on the spot. Just throwing out ideas to develop this mystery person. Kim asked "okay...what's his name?" I thought in my mind, Jeffrey. Then Matt said "JEFFREY". (Haha what?!) Then later she asked if he only spoke English and we both yelled "CANTONESE". "GET OUT OF MY HEAD", said Matt.
Funny day.
It got ruined though when I suggested Geoff be a fan of DDR and everyone booed me out of the classroom. "NO NO NO!" yelled beaver kid. "Impossible!" yelled Jon Michael. I'll show you what's impossible! Fools. Our assignment with Geoffrey is to write about him. I plan on making him a total nerd/tool just to spite everyone. WHO SAYS YOU HAVE TO LIKE EVERY CHARACTER YOU CREATE? THEY'LL BE SORRY.
The day improved again however when I got a large coke from McDonalds and watched the Brothers Bloom. Such a great movie. Why can't more movies be GOOD?! COME ON.

Anyway the poem I turned in last week is below. I decided to hack that other "run" poem for the repetition assignment and made this one instead. Be on the lookout for assignment 9: attention to detail! ha.

-----The horizontal run------

The couple in the corner say they run all night,
while four uncovered shoulders catch the gray moonlight.

Turning every corner, got their shoes still on
Counting constellations, run away from dawn.

Stomping over blankets laid upon the ground
The rustling of running makes a gentle sound.

Gasping for thick dark air,
Beads of dew attack the brow.

Aching muscles, bodies bear
They reach their red tape now.

Marathoners, racers
Of The horizontal run.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Structure Assignment...

----Rant of the Shampoo Bottle------

Just lather, rinse, repeat
And your sex
Will surface.
Our fortifying formula
Washes all your flaws away.

Awkward? Acne?
You’ve never looked so sexy.
Yellow teeth, bloodshot eyes.
You’ve never felt this good.

Scrub. Massage. Fingertips.
Rub. Bubble. Work.
Squeeze. Strengthen. Thoroughly.
Your sex
Will surface.

And all
It takes
Is hair.
One shower, rinse, repeat.

100% some-toxin-other-than-your-own-green-smoky-toejam-breath
FREE
Money back-if-you’re-ever-confident-enough-to-bargain-with-a-sales-clerk-or-dial-a-1800-number SATISFACTION GUARANTEE
Inactive Ingredients: Fried dough, Juicy track suit, a high school degree rotting underneath a potato shaped couch.

Warning: Can cause irritation. Side-effects may include a decreased perception of reality, obsessive compulsive disorder, indigestion,
and hair loss. All animals used in testing this product turned out OK.

MADE IN USA

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Teacha says there's no such thing as repetition

This started out as a song. Just randomly. Hopefully the lyrical-ness carries over. Hopfully I can make it into a better poem by Thursday. I do love this class.

-------Fast Feet--------

Run run run run run
Run run run
In the rain.
They will Run run run run run
Run run run in the rain.
In the night.

He says he Run run run run run
Run run run For the thrill.

She says she run run run run run
Run run run For him.
And the thrill.
And the night.

Run run run
Because you forget
how to walk.

Run run run
Feel the wind
swept rush.

Friday, February 5, 2010

"Did I tell you my cat died?

Do you have a little time
Would you like to feel sublime
talk for hours and never stop
chop your head off
be a lighter person brighter person, nicer
but you've heard it all before..."

A pet dying is a very strange experience.
I don't know what to make of it.

I miss you Nacho.
1998-2010

:(

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Meow.

Creative Writing homework is pretty much the only homework I do. Or at least the only homework I do willingly...

.....I Once loved a Cheshire Cat......

You are walking with your smile.
A smug and gilded smile that I don’t buy.

Your teeth tell me I am pathetic.
Your new stripes tell me I was a waste of time.

In my wildest dreams
A molten metal stick sears through your fur.
It shows me dust inside. Dust that
Blows into my face, makes me sneeze, And realize

I know what you are after all.
The Stupid that I stepped in that made my sole
stink.

And as I walk by you, your nose catches on
And scrunches your whiskers
And brings you defeat.

But dreams remain fantasy
And you don’t miss a beat.
Disappear again,
Please.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Help.

"Have you seen any balloonshop? No? Oh...well...there's this one where he trips on his kid's skateboard and he's just like "WHERE IS MY BOY?! I COULD KILL MY BOY! And..heh...it reminded me of this poem.."
Silence
"It...it's a lot funnier if you've seen it..."
"No..that..that sounded funny..."
Silence
"Heh...yeah..."


I also feel like I experience more awkwardness on a day-to-day basis now than I ever have before.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN.

Tranny Farts...

When will this not bother me anymore?
I was completely fine -i still am- but I happened upon a string of conversation with another girl...and a bunch of annoying little feelings crept back in.
Then I think, what could he see that might make him feel the same way? And I realize I talk to no one and my pictures suggest nothing. And then I feel like I need to send subliminal messages that say "I am fine without you" or "Glad that's over!" via uploading songs or writing blogs like this or twittering....all things he'll probably never see. Because as a human race we are too cowardly to approach things like this head on.
So then I feel like I'll feel better once I start dating again...but I just DON'T KNOW WHEN THAT WILL BE. I get so impatient and then I psyche myself out and think if I keep wondering and focusing on it it'll never happen...but I don't want to take any chances because that implies rejection and regret...it's a vicious cycle.
It's what all the songs are about.
I feel so pathetic thinking that something that good might not come around again.
Looking back, was it even that good? I feel like my brain plays evil tricks on me.
What can I do.
Start going to bed earlier...?
Homework...?
Be as positive as possible...
Stop thinking about wanting to be in a relationship.
Stop thinking that you'll never be in one again and that all the guys here are either "too cool for you" or freakin weird.
And above all...
MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC. FIGHT TRANNYS WITH MUSIC.
Okay. Rant over. I am hilarious. I feel fine.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

I cut my bangs again.

Wow. I'm so lame. Past posts...WAH WAH WAH.
Life is FINE.
I have ALL the cocopuffs I could ever DREAM of. OKAY?!


Now.
What is a word specifically significant to my life? One word...I have no idea. Mt. Dew? Pants? Queso? Disheveled?
Frugal........? This is going to take some serious thought.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Something Good.

I love today.
Church was at 8:30 and yet today was a good day.
I napped, I ate lasagne (I am garfield), worked on some guitar, talked to new people for a long time, went to Natalie's and watched 30 rock, met more new people, watched Anastasia, then figured out my schedule. I even got into a creative writing class! Finally. Such a fluke. So happy.
I love that I only have two classes besides choir tomorrow, the first one being at 1pm.
I love that I feel so much better than I did a couple days ago.
I love laughing.

I'm going to do a cover of "Oh what a day" by Ingrid Michaelson. It expresses everything I want to say. I LOVE her! Then I'll probably do a Jason Mraz cover, then get back to working on original stuff. So psyched. Maybe I will just stay here spring semester so I can take songwriting and work on my stuff some more...Whooo knows.
I just feel good right now.

I wish things hadn't ended the way they did...but I'm going to try to just...remember the good things about 2009. I refuse to say I wasted a year of my life on someone. That's not the case at all. I hate when people say that. There is always something to take away from your experiences. For me..I had a lot of fun, and learned more about myself and about relationships. Sweet.
Now I feel like I can finally move on. I'm about 4 months late..but I'm willing to forgive myself for that little slip up.
So. New Years Resolutions?

1. Don't dwell on the past/get discouraged. Know that there ARE other fish in the sea. Equally talented, funny, and handsome fish. Not to mention Mormon.

2. Make a lot of music.

3. Don't gain 10 lbs.

4. Declare a major...

5. Take chances, make mistakes, RIDE ON THE MAGIC SCHOOL BUS.

Pretty vague...but I've come to terms with a lot of things. Like how I will never be a regular exerciser. No matter how many times I try to psyche myself into it...IT AINT GOIN HAPPN. And as far as other goals...I just like to work on things throughout the year. Whole year resolutions are pretty daunting really....

Anyway. Things are good. I should remember to sleep though... :)

Friday, January 1, 2010

The B went nuts.

If I was Ben Folds...
A break-up would be followed by a top selling album. Including a duet with international superstar Regina Spektor. A million talented rich people would be helping me off my feet. And I could buy my way back to normal.
Silly celebrities. They make everything seem so graceful and easy...