Sunday, December 20, 2009

Hello Seattle I am an old sea horse. I mean home for Christmas!

It's like I never left!
Except. Everything is different...

Oh.
Oh well.
I can has lots of time to learn guitar songs and make songs and play clue with the family!

ALDSFJOAIWJCSADF.
I WANT. TO. SCREAM.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Now i'm all baboon, boys. coochee coochee coo.





It's that feeling you get
When someone you love ignores you
When you can't erase the past but it erases you
And you are an invisible you
Put me in the zoo

And time won't move it
The stagnant air engulfs you
The fleeting lines and what's behind them choke you
And you're too afraid to be you
Put me in the zoo

It's that feeling you get and continue to get
Until somebody opens your cage
And discovers the incredible edible new you
Put you in the zoo?
My dear my dear, the circus is the place for you.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

"Can we be in love again...?"

I can't get that cheesy line from last week's Glee out of my head...

:/


Uncle clark, are you santee clause?



I get to go home in...20 days.
In only 20 days I will get to see my mom and dad and siblings and friends and possibly acquaintances!
I. Am. So. Excited.
I'm not going to let anyone make it a downer experience for me either. Our family does tend to get into mini catastrophes every year...but besides that. It's going to ROCK. If i only get a few presents, I'm not going to mope and whine like I normally would. Family and a break from college is going to be enough. I swear. Also, I'm going to see my friends as much as time will allow, but I'm not going to feel guilt-tripped or depressed. I have a choice. No one can make me feel rotten without my consent. I'm going to see Kiersten and Gaby and Talon and Andrew and Mike and Peter and the drama kids and church kids and it's going to be so good. :) And if it starts to be no good for any reason I will be able to spend more time with my parents and that is good too.

Anyway. I'm determined to have a wonderful Christmas vacation. And after that I get to start a whole new semester. BREATH OF FRESH AIR. No more biology no more english 150 no more world dance no more 16.5 credits! Hello 12 credits :) hello new classes and new faces and snow and my birthday and all things that are good :)

I don't know. The other day I felt like my life was a pile of used disposable beans. But really...I have so much to look forward to. Especially if I get a guitar for Christmas and can get into one of the classes here. Hello motivation.

So there are only a few things bothering me at the moment. But whatever. I feel happy and composed and optimistic right now and i keep almost capitalizing everything.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

An then you say, hokay. An then he say, hokay.

I've decided that it's ok that I always feel this way because all I really want in the end is to get married someday... And when that day comes, none of this will even matter. And I'll be happy.
My ways are natural.

And who really likes being lonely anyway?
Not I, said the pig.

College is hard. I have quite an elephant to eat by next saturday. One bite at a time one bite at a time.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Collegic.




I am going to actually do my homework sitting here at my desk, instead of half laying in my bed.
It is a strange idea...but it just might work.
And perhaps it will keep my eyelids from descending. Which is good.

Friday, November 6, 2009

No wait...real vomit this time

I have learned a great lesson tonight.
Just because your friends take you to cold stone and you happen to have a gift card, that does NOT mean you have to use it. Especially after you've just had red mango.

Sigh....

:(

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Tuesday is coming, did you bring your coat?

Registration over!
Tentative schedule for next semester:
M,W = Physical Science, Book of Mormon
Fri = " "
T = Current Social Issues, Marriage and Family
Th = " ", Intro to food sciences
Plus Women's Chorus every day...

Only 12 credits baby. bare minimum. ha. oh well. Registering was such a rush though that...now i don't want to go to bed.
It might also have something to do with the fact that i binged on pringles, carmel popcorn, reece's and mt. dew in my anxiety...so gross. i want to purge. sup bulemia?

Anyway. Now I need to figure out what to write my 8 page issues paper on...
Something specific relating to religion in America. Anybody have any bright ideas? sigh. gay marriage is apparently too tough to write about for this one. maybe i should write about the pressure put on mormons to be perfect in relation to the depression rate in Utah...perhaps perhaps. ohhh college. you slay me.

I was reading a lot of my posts from last year and laughing at how all of them say "GET ME TO COLLEGE I"M SO DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL WAH". It's true though...college is so much better. ha. i was right! I might even follow my siblings' tradition and stay here for summer term...I do miss home...but it's so good here...we'll see.
The only thing about college that hasn't differed much from high school is how i deal with boys... I was so worried about getting engaged my freshman year...now i laugh at that idea. ha. oh goodness. i'm clueless.

In other news..i miss my guitar. a whole lot. i miss writing songs :/ Which is why i really want to take creative writing next sememster! General Eds kill me. Hopefully something will open up once classes actually start up...
In the meantime, here is a little poem i will now make up on the spot:
The mountain, in flames as the sun sets low,
Sparks a shrill ample cry in my very soul.
Then pinks and purples drip fresh from the brush
My heart becomes full, it swells with a rush.
Oh glorious sky, majestic and great
Words can only encumber your infinite weight.

ha. i don't even know if that last part makes sense. but the sunsets really are breathtaking here. beautiful provo :)

Monday, November 2, 2009

Ah la la la la la la Life is...

I accidentally just followed my own blog.
hm.
The shower was only sort of warm when I checked so now I am sad. Also...My room is a MESS, the rest of this semester has one million assignments looming over my head, I can't figure out what classes to take NEXT semester, and my face is full of pizza...and bleh. whine whine complain. :/

some good things...let's see...
I...bought cocopuffs tonight.
My clothes are clean (but not put away...)
Brother Parker let me turn in my study log after class without points off...
We're going to make a music video for FHE in 2 weeks and I get to be the director!
Choir concert tomorrow.
No womens chorus w, th, f!

Ugh. I'm freezing. I just want to take creative writing! Is that such a crime?! It's not as bad as the freaking Visual Arts and Theatre and Music departments though, that virtually don't let you take ANY classes unless you're in the major. OH MAN that makes me mad. No photography or drawing or music composition or anything :( sigh. Is ok...

Time for sleep and homework and sleep.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

My oh My

late at night i get the phone you're at the shop sobbin all alone. your confession is comin out you only married when you felt your time was runnin out...

life feels weird right now.

i talked to a girl in womens chorus tonight about her media music major. it sounds so satisfying. but hard to get in to. do i want to go in the direction of music and deal with the hard/slightly boring theory stuff so i can do what i want like write songs? Or do i want to go in the english direction where i deal with books i don't want to read and whatever else so i can do what i want like write creative fiction and personal essay and such....
journalism?
editing?
advertising?

I ought to see a career counselor.

My eyelids are heavy with sleep, my stomach burning with empty space, my priorities suffering neglect and disorder. My room a mess. My laundry piled high. My new shirt unsure of itself. My pictures sitting in a little blue memory card un-uploaded. My eyelids heavy with sleep.

Because you can only change your facebook status so many times...

I don't know what classes to take next semester. And I'm pretty sure my registration date is in a couple weeks....
YIKES

In other news, I got to be one of the "daisies" in our choir concert homecoming spectacular tonight, and I was on the jumbo screen! Exciting.

Football game tomorrow against TCU. I don't really know what that means but. We're all very excited. :)

I've decided I'm going to force myself to start cooking meals that aren't instant (ramen, hot pocket, hot dog, pb&j etc.)because i'm better than that.

Also. "If you want to know how to dance with your bum, just spell your name out in cursive." - Sean

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Utah?

So..college makes me nervous.. I'm so dang tired about everything. And i don't know how to move on again. I don't remember. I move in tomorrow. I know everything will be ok...but. As of right now...i'm scared and feel less than optimistic. :/ on a lighter note...i saw beautiful waterfalls today.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Put your hands on your hips

The days tick by and i'm staring at the clock,
But i guess i can't tell time, 'cause i keep telling it to stop.
They say water won't boil if you keep looking at the pot,
So i'm holding my head steady with all i've got.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Facebook can really get under my skin. Besides all the "FAN" things and ridiculous groups and causes and surveys and garbage...just...how some people use it...

-i'm going out this weekend to my lake house. me and a few friends. oh you probably don't know them very well... but we're very close. we have SO much fun together. in fact. my life is mostly fun. as you will see through my virtual photo albums.

-(internal dialogue)a picture is worth a thousand words. so if i take. a thousand pictures. it'll give you one million ways to tell me i'm pretty. fun. adventurous. doing great. and it will give me one million reasons to feel better about myself for a while...

I think to some extent, most of us want our pictures to portray something glamorous and important to the rest of the world.
When it's really obvious though, that someone is trying too hard, and when it's not me or someone I particularly know/like...
It's really annoying.

An optimistic look into my future

"Emily. i had the weirdest dream about you last night. you went to byu and met an Osmond and then you got a record deal. you got so famous that i had to quit my job to be a consultant."
-Dad

"Really? Ha ha that's funny."
-Me

"Oh..then we were on a big airplane and crashed in the ocean."
-Dad

"what?!?"
-Me

"Yeah...we were on a raft when i woke up.."
-Dad

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Choice #5

Every night when i take off my clothes,
I realize
I should probably stop while i can,
before I double in size

and every morning I wake up,
I pour a little something into my cup.
I place a little something upon my plate

'cause how else can i fill this hole?
how else can I cope with hate
how else how else can I run away?
I need another slice, of CAKE.

Excerpt from choice #4

"More than one English teacher has told me that I overuse flowery metaphors..."

...My 15 year old self is dead. All that's left is years ahead...
Understand me. forgive me. talk to me like you would anyone else.
Your enigmatic mind is eating at the buffet line of mine.
Let me in. let me burrow deep.
it's not fair, do i think about you more than you could ever think of me?
I'm getting smaller everyday as you beanstalk through my heart.
I don't even know what i'm saying anymore.
is this love is it war? is this hate is it more?

Excerpt from choice #3

They used to come to her broken
wanting to be fixed.
her heart would beat out of its chest
beating too fast.
you can't inhale when you're drowning.
drowning in someone else's love.
the water of your reluctance won't agree with your lungs.

Choice #2

It's funny how one word can
change what you've said

It's funny how one thought
can consume your entire head

and it eats away at you

until you're starving to death

Entry of choice #1

So I was looking through my book of "Lyrics/Poems?" that I started in like 10th grade last night...It's weird how I don't even remember writing some of the stuff in there. And like half of it is unfinished. That's always my problem. Not finishing. Anyway I thought I'd post some of it...

Struggling with paranoia
My secret making friends
Oblivious are those who know me
who think they know me
And even those who truely know me
don't quite understand
Try and relate
Try and rid me of it
for a while i may be fooled
but like the sea on a shore, the soft eroding wave
it will always return
my secret making friends
my painful paranoia

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Let's go to Walgreens.

Boys and girls aren't the same. They're just NOT.
So I wish people would stop trying to make them seem that way.

We're just desensitizing ourselves to a point of numbing monotony.
Sounds great on paper...
Divert from what you used to see as moral. It's too hard. It's not in style. Cut off that thing called feeling anything real.
Live by the world's standards.
Break enough rules so that you eventually feel nothing.

How long can that kind of life last?
It's frustrating...

We're not all the same. That's BORING. And unnatural.
As for myself...I'm a girl. I'm emotional and sensitive and think that when a guy tells me he wants me it'll last longer than one night and could be something real.
I'm not going to be lady gaga and pretend I'm some dtf 24/7 no strings shell...

Ahhh i dunno.
Of course I'm not i'm not..trying to preach. "Change your ways! The kingdom of heaven is at hand!" Nah. I'm not perfect thus have no room to tell anyone else to be. We all make decisions and can "do whatever we want." I just wish the world we lived in wasn't so extremely out of whack...

::Cue Walgreens commercial theme::

Friday, July 31, 2009

"I think you could really be something..."

i was going to write you a song...
but i'm not sure how anymore.
i guess it won't be about you.
it can be a lie.
no one will know the difference.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Mosaic Poem

In english, Mrs. Duffy gave us a packet with four poems by William Blake and several lyrics by Jim Morrison. She told us to compose a "mosaic" poem out of only the words in our packet. There were guidlines such as, we couldn't include more than three words in a row as used in the original works. And it had to be at least 8 lines long. It was crazy to see how different everyone's poems turned out in the end. Here is how mine went:

No Clothing, No Safety

By: Emily Culp

A little stiff twist in your burning heart,
Carefully you pause.

No armor, no safety.
Softest pleasures,
Talk of sin.
Such a delicate girl, such tender hands.
You grasp them.

You look at her with eyes that lie

Voice selfish loves deceit…
Work a deadly hammer,
Feed her mystery.
Then in an instant…

Legs pumping furiously,

Shrill crying in your arms
No consent, no safety.
Intense agony in a woman’s face
As sweet wicked joys – misused – frame your own.

It is over.


Morning swims through brains that live

In bodies caught and dying.
No surprise, no safety
From thickest tears or memories
Complete,
refined,
they go on playing.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

do you feel?

I've used the word FEEL so much recently i don't know what it means anymore.

"the talking leads to touching...and then there is no mystery left. and i'm bad news." RK
"i knew you'd feel the same things..." BF
"and i feel nothing...not sane"RK
"the world is sleeping and i am numb." BF

when i feel weird, there are two artists i can always resort back to. rilo kiley and ben folds. i'm not trying to be cool right now...or show off. i'm just trying to feel. figure myself out...


Monday, May 25, 2009

These past couple days have been good. I'm pretty sure.
I'm kind of in a weird trance lately. I guess it's possible to become re-infatuated with someone multiple times?
My moods are so rollercoastery.. sheesh.

so i have a big project for health due on friday. i get to research a street drug and make a poster. i'll start that...later.
for english we get to write an epistolary poem due thursday.
i think i'll post it if it turns out nicely. i'm pretty freakin excited.

school is almost out but i'm still worrying over dumb projects. dumbb.
& i need a job :( really badly. i might have to resort to fast food. and die.
fast food is always hiring :(

anyway i got fake nails for prom. they're already starting to grow out though. gross.
& some complications:
oppening cans of soda
scratching an itch satisfyingly
texting
typing
nose-blowing
applying mentholatum
popping zits
so i should probably get rid of them soon. ha.

i'll write a more thought-provoking blog...later...

Sunday, May 24, 2009

I hate Dave Matthews

A lot.
"it's kind of funny...when you look at it....one kid is walking ten miles to school...another kid is droppin out.."
and his VOICE.
and everyone at ryle that was obsessed with him.
i will never understand.
i'm sort of focusing all my frustration out on him though. since he came on the radio as i pulled into my garage at the end of this night.

get me out of here...

Sunday, May 10, 2009

"Berger is right, the body never lies."

i was talking to mike on the phone last night. i got pretty worked up. i think i talked for ten minutes straight, nothing on the other line, without even realizing it. i was trembling a little. all the memories and the awkwardness and the pain started flooding back...
i don't want to dwell.

I finished ordinary people today. I swear. It's like reading your life. It puts me in the weirdest mood. How does the author do it?? When I read books now, half of my concentration is on the context, half on literary devices and symbolism, and half on "what was going on in the author's mind when they wrote this?? What inspired this??" It drives me insane.
Judith Guest. Her biographies online are so impersonal. I want to know what happened in your life! write an autobiography! what shocking traumatizing events happened to you to make your characters so real!? i don't believe that their believability comes only from your imagination!!

but...if it does....
i feel like. i could become a real author. and that makes me smile.
she sounds just like me. never finished anything growing up but loved to write. majored in education because she was afraid of pursuing creative writing right away. got married, had some kids, and THEN wrote my favorite book of all the land.

i want to live her life...

in other news. i'm really glad for boys that are real. i wish they would have been more present in my life before now...
my heart is floating. :) i can be a real girl. i can be a young woman. because there is a real boy expecting that of me. this is good. this relationship. it's preparing me for BYU. for meeting a husband someday. it's changing my stupid mind and making me a better person.
I'm so happy. :)

Saturday, May 2, 2009

i am not depressed.

i'm not.
you have to...not be able to be happy to be considered depressed right?
i get happy.

singing helps me express myself the most. but writing does too. so by default i think that i should write songs. but. i'm not very good. and it's very annoying. all of my melodies are either extremely basic or the same as other ones or sound like a country song or sound like a cheesy cheese fest. listening to good music is so frustrating! because i want to make music as good as them. but. it doesn't happen....
i need a personal composer and musical accompaniment group....
then i could be famous. i'll write the lyrics, i'll sing, you just give me the tune and the sounds...
sigh.

too bad i don't have a personal recording studio like Mike...

AHHHHHHFDKSHFDJHKSKFKHSKFDJH
High school musical quote time...?
"i don't know where to go, what's the right team? i want my own thing. so bad i'm gonna scream. i can't choose, so confused, what's it all mean? i want my own dream. so bad i'm gonna scream..."

things that are bothering me:
lack of connection
confusing person
grad requirements
susan boyle
swine flu
sinus problems (i want surgery)
prom dress
lack of sleep (as i write this blog at 2am)
lack of 30 rock
lack of money/job
not being in shape
some girls at school
fiddler on the roof
seventeen magazine
people's lives looking perfect from facebook
lack of camera
choir stuff
....etc.

i'm asleep right now. help.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Reading makes me feel introverted and weird...

30 school days left of being a child.
What do I want to do with my life?
I want music, writing, US history, photography...
I want to create.

I want control.
Closure.
I want CLOSURE.
I obsess and I replace and I hurt and I don't say anything.
And I REPLACE.
I am a parasite.
I am not yours, I am not my own...

I feel like Laura in the Glass Menagerie.
Crippled. Delusional. Handicapped.

Too dramatic. My life is fine. My life is good.
My mind is full. My soul is stretched...

What happens when college doesn't automatically solve all of my "problems" ? I'm not ready for that yet.

Not even kidding.

Kids at school keep trying to give away the ending/major plot things for Ordinary People. Or they'll be talking about it while I'm around accidentally. And I seriously...am so paranoid. I have this burning anxious feeling in my chest. Because SO many kids are reading it right now! If I had a number one pet peeve...I think it would be when people spoil books.

In 4th grade, Ammon Johnstun told me the ending of Harry Potter 4. ( I think it was the 4th book...) And I wanted to die. He moved away about a year after that, but to this day my mom still mentions that event any time he is brought up in conversation.

It's pretty much...unforgiveable. And NOT funny. At all. Movies...I don't mind so much. Books...I will kill everyone. Obviously if it's a classic and the plot is like common knowlege then whatever. But. Ugh. I'm just so anxious right now. I almost want to stay up all night and finish the book just so I can calm down. Like. Today in english Harshad was all "WAIT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS LATER IN THE BOOK? WELL-" And I yelled at his face and put my headphones on full volume for the rest of the class.



I guess my level of concern says something about my love for literature...
I've wanted to be an author since like. Age 7. I hope I'm not crazy and actually suck at writing. I hope...I can accomplish great things someday. Good books just. Have such a huge effect on me. They put me in this weird comatose state. I don't understand it. I think so much and feel so much. Writing thrills me. Editing is a rush. Especially other people's work.
Putting words and thoughts and images into something that breathes and makes sense....it's perfect....

Moral of the story:
Don't intentionally spoil books. It's a jerk move, and everyone will hate you.
(and if not everyone, i most probably will)

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Homework? I'm...not familiar with the term...

Pride and Prejudice Literary Analysis Assignment: Using the handout on archetypes, compose a 4-5 page essay analyzing the novel.....

My oppening sentence for paragraph 2:
"Darcy embarks on a very important Journey: the journey of love."

This paper was due friday and i'm still on page one.

In conclusion... I hate my life.

:)

Why couldn't we have read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies?? Sigh...

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Didn't ask for a dime...

Weird mood today. :/

But I was thinking...Maybe I should be a psychologist. Because I find myself wanting to know everything about people's lives. I don't know what it is. I just...want to understand everyone. What is their family background? What obstacles in their life have they faced to make them the way they are now? How do they function in relationships; family&romantic?

I dunno. I really like making observations of people and analyzing them. In a non-creepy way I promise. People are just so interesting, and I feel like I have a pretty mature perspective on life and a good understanding of people.

In college, I need to learn how to be more outgoing. I mean, I know that I am already, but I probably need to be nicer in general and not judge people so much. It's not that I'm mean, I just avoid getting to know people sometimes based on preconceived notions.

Anyway, I got my "senior pictures" taken today. It was really stressful because I forgot it was happening until this morning so I ended up not having very well planned attire. The photographer wasn't very good either :/. Not very creative at all. The experience was just. Not what I wanted. And then we were there forever looking through the pictures she took, deciding which ones we wanted to keep, unprepared, most not artistic or attractive, 400 dollars. The whole affair was just very depressing.

I'm excited to be done with Pride and Prejudice in English and to move on to Ordinary People.

Should I be an English teacher, psychologist, journalist, author, music teacher?
Hm...

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

blahg

-i wish...we wrote more in my english class. it's pretty much a joke. last year in AP i felt like i learned so much and grew. now i just sit. stagnant in a pool of lazy adolescense. i'm thinking hamlet was the most intellectual depth we've experienced so far.
i'm not saying she doesn't give us enough work. because i hate homework really. and she does make us read books and stuff. i just...don't feel like i'm learning very much.

-i've become very careless regarding the musical lately. yesterday gaby jones and i left early to go to taco bell because wilson sent us into a room to do nothing.
today, mike and i went to the talent show callbacks, and in the process of getting ready to go to practice afterwards, ended up getting into my car, and laying in the sun for a half an hour. we made it for about five minutes of rehearsal. just on time for mike to punch holden in the face. then the fire alarm went off and we went home.

is it bad that i feel such satisfaction from shirking in my responsibilites? i think it's mostly drama though. if i missed seminary all the time on purpose or didn't do my homework i wouldn't feel happy. i'd feel stressed. which i pretty much do already.

i've been having crazy dreams lately. i keep going back to kentucky. or bodies of water. i've had dreams on the coasts of beaches and rivers or lakes a lot lately. and of course there's my reoccurring public restroom nightmareish anxiety dream.
in the past few nights: my tongue got split in half, i conoodled with another fellow, i floated on a couch, i lost emily's coat....etc.
very intersting.
i need a joseph to interpret please.

i'm very sleepy. i slept 8 hours last night and took an hour nap today...but alas. i am sleepy. (i always feel like dumbledoor when i try to use the word alas. "alas...earwax". you know what i mean.)
maybe i'm depressed?
nah.
just. tired.

goodnight.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

I ate a whole lot today...

Hearing about my parents' lives...
really makes me grateful for the home I've grown up in.
I can't believe how lucky I am sometimes really.

A lot of the time, I'll try to find problems with my life, so that I can fit in more...
But everyone does that right? To some extent?

(Generic example)
Friend A: Dude my parents got divorced three years ago and my real dad doesn't even know how old I am because he's a big druggie
Me: Well...my dad...his mom ran away when he was little...and my uh...mom...is a nurse...sometimes...i get heartburn...(ETC)

That's dumb. Why do I do that? Why do people do that? I think we look for things to blame. We don't want to be the person in the group of friends with a small amount of problems. "i feel sorry for you for having a rough past. let's see...my life has to have things wrong with it...well there was that one time...let me just make it seem very bothersome even though it's not a huge deal..."
I dunno.

My sister said one time that everyone should get a little therapy.
So I think about that a lot. And I feel like I should get some. But is that me really wanting someone to listen and help me sort out my brain? Or am I just trying to fit in with the crowd?
Probably both.
Probably because I confide in the internet and friends instead of parents or other family members...
shrug.

Heppy Burthday to me

Let's contemplate my life....

There are a lot of people that I can't seem to forget about. And I wish I could but. They're burned in there.
So then, I wan to write songs about them. That way, if it's in music, it's off my chest, yeah?
But that doesn't make 100% sense really.

I'm afraid to graduate. :(
I'm SO excited to go to college. But...I've formed so many friendships since I've been in Washington. Already! I feel like I've known these people for years. It's not fair that I only get a year with them and then they'll go on living their lives. And then whatever I have left of Kentucky. Does that just dissolve too?
I guess that's how life goes...
I keep thinking about how next year I'll be on facebook looking through everyone's pictures of fun times without me...

hm.

I've never dated a Mormon.
College...should be interesting. I hope Emily keeps me in check so I don't go crazy.

I love too many people. I love too easily. Yet "I've never loved nobody fully. Always one foot on the ground." I'm afraid, when I get to BYU I'll say. Oh. since you are Mormon and I am out of high school, it's ok. Let's get married.
I don't want to be a freshman fiance :/
I need help. I need intervention.
I need something stronger holding me down so that I don't give myself away to people so often. I move from one person to the next. I'm psychoanalyzing myself a lot lately.

I know what I need. I know what's missing. I'm pretty sure.
I'm hesitant to take those steps though. I feel like I won't make it. The bad guy will bring me down when I get close. It usually happens that way.

My life is unbalanced. Unstable. I'm so willing to let someone become my other half. But so cautious in getting closer to what I should be.
Story of my life: I get lost in high school relationships. They are the alcohol in my alcoholism metaphor. I replace substance with infatuation. And I make all my infatuations seem like they will last forever. I let someone else be my focus and distraction. I let them consume me and I tell myself that nothing else matters. This person loves me. I should make them feel wonderful. I should focus most of my energy toward making them feel good. (maybe this is getting into that whole "if you feel sorry for yourself, do something for others" thing...)
So it goes. I become distanced from my parents and from important things. I work hard to gain all the attention of this person. I want them to be consumed with me so that I will feel important and always wanted. I work hard to make them happy. After a while...I end up being untruthful to myself. I realize what I've been doing. I detach myself from that person and say it won't happen again. And then like the leech I am, I do it again.

Am I right here?
Am I spot on?
You guys know me. Am I right in thinking all of this is so derogatory?
I'm pretty sure they way I am is unhealthy.
I think I need a second opinion.

Sunday March 15th.
That's my birthday.
I hope...this next year of life gets better. I hope I progress and not digress even further. I feel like Emily can help me with that. She's like Casey. They are good. I'm glad God gave me another Casey.
Now I just need to work toward being more like that.

I want:
- to take a million pictures and be in photography again
- to make amazing music at Mike's house
- to be in a professional choir again
- the musical to be over
- to have a really easy high-paying job
- to finish high school
- to sleep more
- to eat less
- a clockstoppers watch to stop time so that I can do a million things (or even just so i could do the things that i should be doing daily)
- to watch every episode of arrested development, 30 rock, freaks & geeks, the office, stella, flight of the conchords, sabrina...
- to watch movies
- a better acoustic guitar
- unidad, peace and joy, washirika, hallohallo...

EKTA! EKTA!
Sahayta......sahayyyyyta.....


Mrs. Duffy asked me who my favorite songwriter was. It surprised me when i automatically replied, "Jenny Lewis".
I want to go to there...

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

i think i'm an alcoholic

minus the alcohol part.

reading dry makes me feel like i have a problem.
makes me feel like i need a shrink.
makes me feel like i need a drink. (not really but that rhymed. unless the drink is a mountain dew).

Sunday, February 22, 2009

The distant future. The distant future.



where am i?
i just got back from visiting ky and...i'm really glad that i moved to washington.
i LOVE my friends back in Flo-town. Dru, Kirsti, Yoko, Emily, Julia....everybody.
but if i hadn't moved here...
i wouldn't have a sweet name-twin-roomie for college :)
and i wouldn't have met kiersten or mike or gaby or any of the amazing people here. friends that have good standards and are really nice. like all the time. why did i ever settle for only sometimes nice?
the atmosphere is great.
either way..now i'm about to leave these friends behind too. i'm going to BYU. it's official.

i feel so weird. watching my life go by. seeing my past being created...i feel like i have a pretty good perspective. i feel mature. so i don't feel guilty when i act like a child.

have you ever just...thought about how you're going to perceive your life 20 years from now? i think about being older and remembering what's happening now. it's scary.

i hate imagining being old. because...i don't want to get any lamer. i want my kids to love me and think i'm funny and trustworthy. i want so much more than what i've lived. i want my husband to be wonderful and always see me as beautiful and his everything. i want him to love me even when we're older. i don't want to fall out of love. i'm terrified of that. i want the movies. i want that glamourous, deep, rich, i'd-do-anything-for-you love. it seems lasting..

anyway.
i remembered how good music is again today. i think i remember almost every day. it really is the thing that keeps me sane. it probably keeps me insane too.
some songs. kill me.

be my distraction? i'm reading dry and augusten feels like...his infatuation with foster is just a transfer of attention. i think that's what i do a lot...i make people my new focus. just to escape. just to feel important and pretty. just to have someone to chanel my energy into.
i'm not what anyone expects. i'm not a real person really...

anyway...it's almost midnight.
my homework isn't done. it's not even close.
i'm afraid of myself and i'm afraid of going to bed tonight.
why doesn't everyone have unlimited texting?
it hurts me.
goodnight

Friday, January 30, 2009

i want. my hand held!



i wish i could be like one of those girls that gets whatever attention they want from whatever guy they want....without being a hussy and without having "serious" relationships.
does that even make sense?
i'm just too dependent.
i probably will get married my first year at byu.
i'm ridiculous.
i just. miss it. whatever happened to last year when i was totally FINE w/out boy?
seriously, i was happy and didn't like anyone and didn't feel the need to. for the most part. i was just. content.
now i'm back to. pathetic. i need dru back! she know how to make me not feel dumb.
hmph.

it's 2 am.
i'm supposed to wake up for the retreat in like. six hours?
ha. i'm going to die.
2 days of dance class has pretty much killed me already. and i'm sure we're going to be dancing a ton this weekend.
my "dance teacher" at bothell said i need:

1) to drink lots of water
2) eat real food
3) and get plenty of rest

good thing i never sleep! i'm ridiculously sore. that class is way intense/awkwardCITY/a HUGE self esteem downer.

but anyway. i hope i don't pass out or something.
i just. don't want to go to bed. or pack. or wake up.
i'm freezing.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

i change my mind

i'm not ready for any sweaters right now.
i just feel sick most of the time.
i think i can hold out till college, but because i want to. because i'm not ready yet.

this one is so nice and funny and everything but i just. can't. and i hope i'm not giving false hope.
i just feel sick. i feel like Sylvia and Holden..

& i don't know how to operate anymore. it's almost.
impossible for me to just have a healthy friendly relationship with a guy.
I HATE THAT.

i guess it seems like most of my blogs are just whining and stuff.
i need to get more interesting. i should work out more. yesterday i went in and there were these three really athletic girls in there watching the country music channel. it was really awkward. they must have been on some college volley ball team together or something. that's the story i made up in my head. because i don't believe in people that are really fit and not in a sport. that...doesn't happen.
but yeah. they were definitely watching extreme home makeover. at one point i almost ran right off my treadmil outside. i pictured myself just running away. freezing in my shorts. being that really weird silent girl that doesn't talk to anyone. .
i stayed though. but. i still didn't talk to them.

i'm really tired.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Metafortal

Life is like....
Shopping.

Over the summer i ventured to a brand new store completely new and exciting! i wasn't sure though if i'd like it so i felt sad and missed my old stores for a while.

Once i got there though there was the coolest sweater ever! i eyed it for a while. never buying it though because i wasn't sure. i didn't have my friends to tell me if it would look good on me or not. i almost bought it once but...i was too scared.

So after a while they didn't carry it anymore. and i started looking at other sweaters.
this one...it was pretty cool. kind of in a risky price range though. suddenly on an impulse buy i grabbed it and bought it! at first i was all "yeah cool! this new sweater rocks! oh well about that other one." then i got home and tried it on and i wasn't so sure anymore. it wasn't as flattering as i'd hoped. it didn't match anything i owned and i started wondering..."i wonder how that other sweater is doing? or any other sweater?"

Anyway i kept this impulse buy in my closet for a while. because it was sooo cute and i just felt good having it. i didn't want to return it because then someone else might get it and i just. felt responsible for having it since i was the one who bought it so fast.
but After a while i felt guilty for having spent so much money on a sweater that i couldn't really wear so i took it back.

That old sweater...they had it in stock again when i went back to the store. but i think the original was bought by someone else. so it wasn't the same.
The original sweater was being worn by someone else and it started posting confusing blogs about girls via metaphor and riddles.

so now i have no sweater and i don't even know if i'm cold anymore. really the store doesn't have anything to offer me at this point in time. sure there are tons of great sweaters all over the racks including this one that is hilaroius, but i don't know if i feel ready for a new one yet. i might have to wait until i go to that new store in utah. see if they have some good modest sweaters....

I never know with me though. I end up buying sweaters often so. Who knows what could happen. AH.

(i don't think i'm making fun of you btw. just. trying this out. if i wanted to mock you it'd be way more obvious. and hilarious. because i'm funny.)

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Weekender

2 days ago i spent my night drawing pictures and dying my hair and watching it's alwyas sunny in philadelphia with kiersten.
Yesterday i woke up really early....like 9am...and went to weight watchers with mom and got really jazzed about losing weight again! well kind of jazzed.
then i went to the frye art museum with kiersten and sarah and brianna but all the exhibits were closed so we only got to see this lame student art project where they played the xylaphone as cars drove by....??
Next we ate Thai food and i got chicken skewers and said "i just love meat..on stick.." because shishkabob rules. (so much for weight watchers...) and the lady asked me if coca-cola was the same thing as coke. teehee.
we also got gormet popcorn. kiersten and i split a bag of black raspberry with...white stuff on it. so good. (so much for weight watchers...)
Anyway i had to leave early to go to what took up the rest of my day.

Best of EFY.
it was. so good. 4-11pm. The first speaker was this 6ft tall lady that spent her first 20 minutes making jokes about said height. ha...ha...? one anecdote involved her impression of japanese children...uh...
good talk though. she was animated.
The next guy was amazing. he was this little red faced guy that talked about having your "spiritual plate" turned up. and he said that your behavior and worth aren't linked which was really nice to hear.
The third guy talked about scripture power. gave the best analogy. we're supposed to "feast" on the scriptures so what do you do before you "eat"? pray. then what do you do before you "swallow"? "chew".
he also brought up that scripture are the voice and will of the lord, and that the prophet's cousel are scripture. so when the prophet asks us not to do things...like steady date in high school....it's the lord asking us to do that...

and then i got a little upset.
because i did the right thing...
but i still feel guilty because he got hurt.
at the same time i feel hopeful that it'll work out for the better...
but i dunno. i don't seem to learn from my mistakes...huff.

Anyway there was a dance after. Bellevue's dj sucks. he tried to play "to the windowwwwwww to the wall...." and cyclone. and really bad songs. and when he wasn't playing inappropriate songs he played either swing or techno mixes of everything.
LAME. so lame. Bothell dj rocks.
i got kind of sad because i only got asked to dance like once. but. i guess i don't really know how to be myself anymore. right now anyway.
oh. plus. this guy TOTALLY jumped on my foot. so it hurts a lot now. ha. he didn't even notice.
i mean. come on. i'm a SENIOR. "i get no respeck"

so yesterday was..good..for the most part.

Today i ate my weight in spaghetti and then later, muffins. (so much for weight watchers...)
i really hope this thing doesn't haunt me for the rest of the year. i really hope it gets better soon. i just want to be like somebody else. i want to have different trials than the ones i have.
college...better be good.
ew my life is changing. ew weird. wasn't i like 14 yesterday? AHHHH. youth is fleeting.
somebody get me a clockstopper watch :)

Saturday, January 3, 2009

'Regrets are for horseshoes and handbags'

sometimes i forget how much i love music until i listen to it with headphones.
seriously. it's so different. you hear things you never caught before. your brain is flooded with beautiful entrancing sounds. you melt..
i guess there's a similar experience when blasting a cd alone in a car at night. but. i'm not sure.
headphones can do wonders.
especially after i feel really weird.
i can feel as weird and tight throated and numb as i want to. just gimme some headphones and margot and i'll melt. it's OKAY.

i....want more books. i want to write books. i want to never go back to high school.

somebody save me.

yeah. i'd say i feel pretty weird right now.

and all because i accidentally pressed "view profile" on my myspace and heard Come Here Boy through my 30 Rock-via internet-watching headphones....

am i about to throw up?