Sunday, March 15, 2009

Heppy Burthday to me

Let's contemplate my life....

There are a lot of people that I can't seem to forget about. And I wish I could but. They're burned in there.
So then, I wan to write songs about them. That way, if it's in music, it's off my chest, yeah?
But that doesn't make 100% sense really.

I'm afraid to graduate. :(
I'm SO excited to go to college. But...I've formed so many friendships since I've been in Washington. Already! I feel like I've known these people for years. It's not fair that I only get a year with them and then they'll go on living their lives. And then whatever I have left of Kentucky. Does that just dissolve too?
I guess that's how life goes...
I keep thinking about how next year I'll be on facebook looking through everyone's pictures of fun times without me...

hm.

I've never dated a Mormon.
College...should be interesting. I hope Emily keeps me in check so I don't go crazy.

I love too many people. I love too easily. Yet "I've never loved nobody fully. Always one foot on the ground." I'm afraid, when I get to BYU I'll say. Oh. since you are Mormon and I am out of high school, it's ok. Let's get married.
I don't want to be a freshman fiance :/
I need help. I need intervention.
I need something stronger holding me down so that I don't give myself away to people so often. I move from one person to the next. I'm psychoanalyzing myself a lot lately.

I know what I need. I know what's missing. I'm pretty sure.
I'm hesitant to take those steps though. I feel like I won't make it. The bad guy will bring me down when I get close. It usually happens that way.

My life is unbalanced. Unstable. I'm so willing to let someone become my other half. But so cautious in getting closer to what I should be.
Story of my life: I get lost in high school relationships. They are the alcohol in my alcoholism metaphor. I replace substance with infatuation. And I make all my infatuations seem like they will last forever. I let someone else be my focus and distraction. I let them consume me and I tell myself that nothing else matters. This person loves me. I should make them feel wonderful. I should focus most of my energy toward making them feel good. (maybe this is getting into that whole "if you feel sorry for yourself, do something for others" thing...)
So it goes. I become distanced from my parents and from important things. I work hard to gain all the attention of this person. I want them to be consumed with me so that I will feel important and always wanted. I work hard to make them happy. After a while...I end up being untruthful to myself. I realize what I've been doing. I detach myself from that person and say it won't happen again. And then like the leech I am, I do it again.

Am I right here?
Am I spot on?
You guys know me. Am I right in thinking all of this is so derogatory?
I'm pretty sure they way I am is unhealthy.
I think I need a second opinion.

Sunday March 15th.
That's my birthday.
I hope...this next year of life gets better. I hope I progress and not digress even further. I feel like Emily can help me with that. She's like Casey. They are good. I'm glad God gave me another Casey.
Now I just need to work toward being more like that.

I want:
- to take a million pictures and be in photography again
- to make amazing music at Mike's house
- to be in a professional choir again
- the musical to be over
- to have a really easy high-paying job
- to finish high school
- to sleep more
- to eat less
- a clockstoppers watch to stop time so that I can do a million things (or even just so i could do the things that i should be doing daily)
- to watch every episode of arrested development, 30 rock, freaks & geeks, the office, stella, flight of the conchords, sabrina...
- to watch movies
- a better acoustic guitar
- unidad, peace and joy, washirika, hallohallo...

EKTA! EKTA!
Sahayta......sahayyyyyta.....


Mrs. Duffy asked me who my favorite songwriter was. It surprised me when i automatically replied, "Jenny Lewis".
I want to go to there...

4 comments:

The Rambler said...

always nice to know what's in your head. though that was a lot. I think you're probably right though. and I'm sure you wont jump into marriage any time soon.

Have a Happy Birthday! if anyone deserves one, it's you. Take sometime to do something nice for yourself.

Austin said...

yeah like "the rambler" said. It's good to know whats going on in your head every once and a while. Just to get it all out on paper (or on screen). Nothing seems as big and troubling as it did when you re-read what you wrote.

happy birthday!

Emily Rigby said...

thanks for reading all of it ha.
and yeah. my birthday was pretty ok.
thanks :)

Natalie Jane said...

Our brains are identical. You're growing the same as me. I mean...I hope not exactly the same. Because then the first 3 years of college might suck. haha. I mean..is that funny? ha. I love you. You can depend on me in college. I'm training to become a boxer this summer so I'll beat everyone up that sucks.