Sunday, December 9, 2012

Somewhere in the bottom of the rain

I believe that life is beautiful
I believe that I can write
I want to write
It's the only thing I like besides TV and Soda
Let me write for you

If I don't get into the creative track for advertising an option is that I could go on a mission and then change my major to English teaching like I always wanted.

If I get into the creative track I could go to graduate school for creative writing and be a creative writing teacher.

My major is hard and competitive and I'm a terrible public speaker so maybe I won't work in an ad agency when I graduate.

I don't want to go on an internship.

I want the boys I have crushes on to take me on a date

I want the boys I don't have crushes on to just hug me.

I want to see Steve Roggenbuck when he comes to Salt Lake.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Obama can u cure my caffeine addiction?

Do you know how hard it is for me to eat normal food?
To eat food that I myself have prepared?
It's really really hard.
Harder than it should be.

I will explain:
My name is Emily and I'm addicted to fast food. Seriously. I am. And I'm not trying to say "OMG I LOOOVE FAST FOOD" when I say this. I mean like psychologically and physiologically...I'm addicted. It's a problem. Both for my wallet and my waistband.

It doesn't help that I'm also addicted to caffeine. Another real issue I'm trying to be real about. I have withdrawals and headaches and the whole shebang.

Another reason--probably the main reason--it's so hard for me to eat normal food is because I have about 0% confidence in my cooking abilities. I grew up in a home where my mom and dad made the most basic meals you can think of. Spaghetti, soft tacos, hamburger helper, frozen pizza, crockpot roast...etc. In short--I learned absolutely nothing. The cooking skills I gleaned from growing up are skills that poor freshmen college students survive off of. (How to make Ramen, hot pockets, pancakes, hot dogs...) I never even learned how to brown hamburger meat. I am pretty helpless.

Since I've been at college I've embarked on a few culinary adventures. I've made my share of pasta and grilled cheese...I made chicken enchiladas once...various roommates have tried and failed countless times to help me be more adventurous...but when it comes down to it I'm still basically clueless.

What I find most disconcerting is that I often don't trust myself even when I do muster up the courage to make food. I'll boil chicken to put in pasta and this panic will come over me that I didn't do it right and then when I'm eating the finished product I'm sort of plugging my nose so I don't have to taste what has surely turned out as some sort of disgusting water-trash.
I even made a sandwich the other day that I didn't enjoy because I had convinced myself that the meat was probably stale and that the bread was cheap. I COULDN'T EVEN MAKE AND ENJOY A SANDWICH. THE MOST BASIC UNIT OF HUMAN CONSUMPTION.

This semester I moved into the Lion House. No, not the fancy restaurant in SLC. This isn't a rags to riches idiot made chef story. It's a little house south of BYU campus. I live with 8 girls who are all pretty great. One of them, Amy, happens to be an amazing cook. I mean, everyone else in the house from what I've gathered is pretty capable of cooking and WAY more capable than myself, but Amy is one of those people who just knows what she's doing in the kitchen. Yesterday I found she had made a sweet chili roasted pepper something or other egg salad sandwich?? LIKE IT WAS NO BIG DEAL. Folks, it was a huge deal. I tasted it and I felt like I was at Zupas. Nay, like I was at somewhere fancier than Zupas (I can't really reference fancy places because I eat at McDonald's every day so).

Bottom line: she's legit. She makes food for herself for almost every meal. Can you see how sad it is that I'm so amazed by this? But she makes DELICIOUS gourmet awesome food. She made homemade gnocchi  I mean. That's all I need to say really.
Anyway I've devised a plan. I'm going to place myself under Amy's apprenticeship--whether she likes it or not. I'm going to force her to go grocery shopping with me and to teach me how to be a normal person.
I get paid tomorrow and I plan on buying FOOD. Eggs, bread, milk, meat...I mean who knows what's out there! There's a world of opportunity at my fingertips! I'm going to make lunches and dinners and I'm going to try really hard.

I want you to believe in me so that I can believe in me.
Over the summer I made a blogpost saying I was going to get my trash back into gear. I promised I was going to start working out more and do weight watchers bla bla bla.
Well none of those things happened. Things just went way down hill way fast. I was talking to Christy the other night and just crying because I'm so self-conscious of my body image lately. It takes a lot for me to feel pretty lately.
I'm so aware of my problems and what I need to do to fix them but I'm so not motivated. It makes me so. So. Sad. I just want to be happy. I want to be in control. So I'm going to start small. I know drastic changes are risky so I will probably buy a 12 pack of soda tomorrow. I figure 12oz of coke a day is better than 40. And I'm sure I'll still eat out but I need to start somewhere. I need to get my shiz together.

Sorry that this a super long boring post but I needed to write these things down. Maybe I'll even go to the gym tomorrow morning before class. Maybe I will buy hypnosis weight loss tapes. Maybe I'll gain 100 pounds. But know where I stand and how I feel right now in this moment.

I feel ready for change.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

And I'm a Mormon

I just watched the CES devotional Elder Holland gave and I feel really good.

I love the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Not because I was raised Mormon.
Not because I go to BYU.
Not because I went to EFY a couple times growing up.
It's not because my parents are active members.

I love the gospel because I have a personal relationship with my savior.

I can feel my savior's love pretty much on a daily basis. And I wouldn't trade that for anything. Do you know how wonderful it is to feel that? To have the spirit testify to you personally that God loves you and wants you to be happy?

Lately I've been surrounded by a lot of negativity about religion. I guess it's because I'm 21 and attending a university and because I use the internet. But lately it seems that members of the church want to know more about the gospel in an intellectual way. They want to be able to grasp solid tangible facts that validate Mormonism. And a lot of the time they come up short and get confused and try to compensate a lifetime of faith with a new-found desire for intellectualism.
I know that it's important to find things to be true on a personal level. I know it's okay to have questions and to study things out. But faith is such a huge deal when it comes to this gospel. Faith that we don't know everything and that's okay. For me, feeling the spirit and feeling guidance in my life is enough proof that keeping up with the Lord's standards is important.

I feel conflicted. A lot. I don't know how to reconcile so many people around me falling away with my own testimony. I don't know how to support them while simultaneously sticking up for what I believe. I love people and offending anyone is the last thing I want to do. Ever.
I can't "check my religion at the door" as Elder Holland said.

I am trying daily to find that perfect balance between distinguishing "the sin" from "the sinner." I want to let my friends and family know that it's okay that they have questions and that they want to figure things out and that I love them no matter what path they decide to take. But I also want them to know that I feel confident in my own decision to keep the commandments and I don't want to be looked down on for that.

I guess I have to trust that people are generally looking not to offend one another and that they will respect me for what I believe if I respect their beliefs. I feel good about that.

Life is hard.
And "righteous judgement" is a hard concept to figure out.
But I'm trying.
I love the gospel. And I love everyone I meet because I know the savior knows them and loves them with the exact same intensity that he cares for me.

Hope your Sunday has been good, whatever stage in life you might be.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

I wake up

Found this little...poem? lyric? excerpt in the notes in my phone today. I wish I finished things.

"I wake up.
When you're going to bed.
On the other side of the world you're such
a sleepy head.
You don't wanna talk about the future
or your plans.
So you tell me about the cats you've seen in France.

My heart is an open box because
you've broken all the locks for me."

Friday, August 3, 2012

To My Future Daughter

(disclaimer: I am not pregnant. Or dating anyone.)

To my future daughter.

There are some things you should know.

You can get your ears pierced when you start your period. It might seem unfair at first, but you'll thank me when you're sitting in your 1st grade class watching your friend pick puss out of her earlobe and crying because she doesn't know how to put the post back through. Once you figure out tampons you'll be able to handle earrings. That's just how it goes.

Don't be self conscious about your middle name. It's Rigby. And if you're living in an area not highly saturated with Mormons or a time where children have never heard of The Beatles, you might get some flack. But trust me. It's a cool-ass name. Your great-something polygamous grandfather founded Rigby, Idaho after all.

All of your friends are going to be wearing Aeropostale. Don't envy them. You've got a sweet neon windbreaker and skinny jeans. You look awesome.

In your teen years, at sleepovers your friends will heterosexually compliment your breasts and your complexion etc. because you are un-obnoxiously pretty, and you'll have to find ways to respond that don't make you sound like a self-absorbed bi-ch. Or else everyone will think you are a self-absorbed b-tch.
Example: "Dude, seriously, your boobs are like perfect." "Whateverrr." "No really. Want to trade?" "Yeah right!"
(Okay so even if you're not coming off as an arrogant teenager these conversations are going to be awkward. But you're a girl and they are going to happen. I don't know why, but they do.)

Never date someone you don't like. It's going to be tempting because they will shower you with praise and tell you you are the prettiest girl in the world and you might even think kissing them is OK but your life will be 100% less complicated if you learn to say no early in the game.

Never date anyone you meet on Twitter. It's going to seem like a good idea, I know. You will make the same jokes and laugh at all the same stuff and he might even be cute, but it will end badly. Because as you will find out, the internet doesn't translate very well into real life. I don't know how those eHarmony people find love. I'm 99% sure it's a hoax. Anyway all of his friends will unfollow you and you will most likely feel sad about it so just stick to real boys.

Never date someone in band. (marching)

Never be in band. (unless there is no marching involved)

Never date someone in a band. (unless they have a banjo/are not successful)

Always be kind.

Brush your teeth twice a day.

Never date your ex's best friend.

You're really smart, but a lot of people in college are going to be smarter than you. They will get A's on tests you got C's on and it's going to be fine. (Oh yeah. You're going to get C's in college. And D's too. I mean try hard not to, but it will probably happen. So don't let it stress you out.)

Be yourself. I know that phrase is thrown around a lot, but what I mean is, if the really funny guy in your English class doesn't seem to like you, don't try to act differently so that he will. Make jokes about inappropriate things and quote TV shows that you like and realize that if he STILL doesn't fall in love with you when you're being your adorable quirky self, someone someday will. And that's all that matters.

I love you. I'm going to tell you that every day and I expect to hear it back. We're going to hug and laugh and do each others' hair and watch Gilmore Girls together because we're friends. I will take you to Walgreens late at night to buy hair dye when that guy from Twitter I told you not to date just broke up with you and you're feeling rash. I will listen to you when you've had a bad day because your choir teacher yelled at you and you cried in front of everyone in the class.

I will take you seriously.

You will get frustrated with me.

But we will turn out fine.

See you when you get here.

Love, your future mom.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

For me

I figured out a way to be less mopey. It's pretty simple, but the answer is stay busy.

The answer is not watch 5 episodes of Grey's Anatomy by yourself all night then go to bed. 
The answer is not browse the internet/stalk people at work all day.
And it's not think/talk about how sad you are forever.

The answer is go to the Provo Library and get a library card. Check out some books and hang out in that upstairs area that's usually empty. 
Then read the books you checked out while you're at work instead of melting your brain with pics of ex-boyfriends and recently married people on the internet. 
The answer is maybe find a cool bike to buy since your old one got stolen and go out and buy it. 
Talk to your neighbor. 
Walk down the street to get a soda instead of driving through somewhere.
Do things. (knit?)
Stay busy.
Stop whining.
Stop worrying about what OTHER PEOPLE THINK. Or at least try really hard.
Be a good example.
Read your scriptures/listen to conference talks/pray.

There are still a lot of things to be sad about and to be anxious about, but I'm kind of just now realizing that they don't have to be my #1 focus. I feel pretty good right now and I hope when fall semester starts and I'm feeling bummed out again I can just remember this.

Not to mention my nephew is the cutest human in the world. 

And here he is with his Grandpa (my dad) being adorable.

So basically the answer to being happy or at least less mopey is stay busy, and nephew. Oh and also:

Think of how far you've come/think about cats

Friday, July 13, 2012

writing&life&stuff lol

Okay okay okay. 
So I was saving a word document last night and I stumbled upon a story I wrote in my freshman creative writing class.
You guys.
It was SO. BAD.

I remember writing it and thinking I was really obscure and cool and super talented. I was like SUPER excited to read it for the class on the last day.


I can't even...

You know how in like middle school your teacher would have you write something and then compare it to your writing at the end of the year? It felt like one of those moments. Only way more real. It also made me feel like my life is a lie. Maybe I'm actually still a terrible writer but no one will tell me. EESH.
I wish I had it with me right now so I could quote it to you. But really. It made me nauseous.

What word document was I saving in the first place you might be wondering? Oh just some "fan fiction" I've been working on called "Harry Goes to Hollywood." Not a big deal. 

It's totally a joke and I don't know if I'll even finish it, but it felt good to be writing. Maybe that's why I like twitter so much. I'm just getting ideas out there. Even if it's for comedy purposes.

In the fall I'm signed up for a class called "Writing for child and adolescent literature" because it basically sounded like the COOLEST THING EVER. And I'm also signed up for a sketch writing class. As in like comedy sketches...we'll see if I drop that one out of annoyance. (That blonde chick from Divine Comedy is teaching it and I didn't get into Divine Comedy and well I get really angsty when people think they are really good at something when they're just OK but people praise them for it anyway--see every EFY talent show I ever attended)

Anyway. Fall semester is lurking. It's coming up soon but I refuse to believe it. I bet it will be awesome, but not doing homework right now is kind of THE BOMB so I'll be sad to let that go. 
Also, ask me if I've done anything with the ad lab yet. I haven't. Being in the advertising major makes me feel like everyone around me is trying REALLY HARD and it stresses me out. So to compensate I do nothing? Basically.

Also, I got a new smarter phone a few weeks ago. It's pretty cool. And now I have instagram which means I take a million pictures of myself/everything.


Thursday, June 14, 2012

Wanna go to Utah?

This summer I spent a lot of time moping around wishing I was in Europe on a study abroad like most of my friends. Then one day a thought occurred to me. People come from all over the world to see Utah. Have you ever been to Moab in the summer? 

(Here's a flattering picture of my sister and I in Moab once upon a few years ago.)

It’s swamped with tourists. People who already live in cool places like Germany and China and New Zealand actually come to America to visit a place I’ve lived for years! This epiphany changed my entire outlook on travel. While I’m struggling to make ends meet as a college student I can focus on visiting places a few hours away from me that are internationally cool. Just because I’m not leaving the United States of America, doesn’t mean I can’t see anything worthwhile. 

So I decided to take a closer look at my surroundings. I know almost nothing about making travel plans and I’m probably the worst navigator I know. While browsing the travel site, I discovered a unique feature called “work with an expert.” 

Basically anyone can look through a list of qualified professional adventurers, find the one who specializes in what they are interested in the most, and ask them for help along the way! These people range from ski bums to business management wiz’s who can aid prospective travelers in their dream vacation. Obviously if I were in a position to spend money on a glitzy getaway to Park City I would find this service extremely appealing. 

Even so, it seems like the experts listed would have extensive knowledge on the most basic of travel needs in Utah as well. And they just make everything sound so fun and inviting. I love that you can tell that they are really passionate about what they do. I get the feeling these “vacationroosters” legitimately want to help, which is pretty great. 

I guess the point I’ve been trying to make is that there are thousands of places worth traveling to in the United States. Even if they don’t involve a mouse who wears red pants. There are adventures to be had in Utah and the great southwest and there are people ready and willing to tell you all about it! Seems like a pretty great job if you ask me.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Sweatpants are the only thing that fits me right now

Remember when I blogged about losing weight and I was all "YEAH DUDES I'M TOTES GONNA START CONTROLLING MYSELF" Well. That hasn't been happening. At all. I will seriously think to myself "Meh. I really WANT a coke right now so. I'm gonna get one." Or "I really LOVE fries and ice cream and stuff so I'm going to eat it and then tweet about it and it tastes SO GOOD! So who cares!" Then I try to wear my pants and they don't fit.

Basically, I thought I was going to get motivated once summer rolled around, but I'm just really really NOT motivated. At all. I fully understand that my pants don't fit and that I look like a giant next to certain people in pictures, but I also fully understand how much I love fast food and hate to cook.

So. I mean. I guess what I'm saying is I have plans to become the next Rosanne Barr? I don't even know. I'm just in a place where I don't care enough to change drastically and I'm in denial I guess.

Just wanted to let you guys know in case you were wondering how all that was coming along.


Tuesday, May 22, 2012

God invented the internet

Okay so I am not a dedicated blogger. You caught me. In fact, I mostly only blog on occasions such as this where I'm at work but have adamantly decided that I will not do any homework.

Yesterday I worked for 4 hours, then studied with a group for 3 hours, then took an oral exam, then ate Wendy's, then studied for a few more hours, and took an exam online. THEN WENT TO BED. It was ridiculous. So today when I saw that our teacher had readings due for class I took on the entitled-student-role and said to myself, "Yeah right. WE HAD TO TAKE A TEST YESTERDAY!" As if life in academics effectively can't go on after an exam. So anyway, I haven't done the readings and I probably won't. I get off in 45 minutes and I'm going to go to the temple and eat lunch with my long lost friend Emily (McDonald. I'm not talking about myself in 3rd person).

OH. Can I also say, that yesterday when I was getting ready for exam #2 I was with a group of people and they wanted to make sure the test closed at 11:55 and not 11:00. So I volunteered to call my professor who is probably old enough to be my dad? and I left a really embarrassing message "Hi....professor....We're just wondering...about the test....Yeah me back!" and hung up and instantly said "I...don't know how to talk to adults." He called me back a couple hours later after everyone had left and I still didn't know how to talk to him like a grown up. Fun times.

Back to today. Today famous Mormon blogger C. Jane Kendrick tweeted about blogging and I decided to actually read the post. I don't know why, but in the past I avoided her blog. Actually I think it's because I was overwhelmed. I discovered it and felt like I would have to go back super far to catch up on everything and I didn't want to half-ass it. So anyway, I read this post about her son's birth story and just started to cry. All of the faith and the strength amazed me. Then I read about her divorce and cried some more. Then I read a few more posts and put a few pieces of this woman's life together and figured out that she's pretty amazing. I found myself saying in my head "I'm grateful for the internet because of Mormon bloggers." Which is a hilarious thought. But it's true. So much of the gospel can be shared now with all the technology we possess. It's like when I watch those "I'm a Mormon" videos and sob alone in my room on Sunday afternoons.

I feel really peaceful and grateful right now. Last night I was praying and I felt really hopeless. I said that I knew things were going to work out, but I was feeling unsure lately as to how or when and I needed some hope. I needed strength and to be humbled.

After reading some of those posts I started to feel some hope. Like that was exactly what I needed to hear.

As of right now I feel:
That I'm 21 years old.
I'm young.
I'm going to get married. And when I meet that person I will appreciate him SO much.
But for now I don't need a future husband within my grasp to be happy. I mean, yes, it kind of sucks that most of the guys I "like" seem to run far away from me, but what do I know? It's clearly not meant to be. So I should just trust that good things will happen when they are meant to. There will be someone out there who doesn't mind my off-color humor, who thinks my intelligence and aptitude for music are admirable, and who will balance out my awkwardness with their own.

Until then, here's a picture of me a little disheveled after a 15 minute long musical number in my Sunday best. Send out to any/all available bachelors! JUST KIDDING! (not kidding) Hah ha. ha.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

New outfit post!

If I wasn't in school and working right  now I would be able to do lots of things.

Like get my hair trimmed.
Lay out in the sun and become a shade darker than I am now.
Go swimming.
Get shaved ice.
Ride my bike around town.
Read books for fun.
Watch more HIMYM, 30 Rock, Parks and Rec, Downton etc.
Go to festivals.
Take pictures...

I'm just reminiscing about last summer when I didn't have a care in the world. Where me, Christy, and Haley all went to ihop one day, gorged ourselves, and then fell asleep on the floor of our apartment for about 4 hours with The OC menu screen playing on repeat. THAT, my friends, is the LIFE.

But alas, here I am at work with two textbooks open, trying to catch up on my readings for class. Did you know I go to class every day (M-TH) from 4-6:30? I'm a gentleman and a scholar.

Well, mostly a gentleman.

(That shirt I'm wearing says "Who's your daddy?" w/ Darth Vader. $5. Wal Mart. Men's section.)

Friday, April 27, 2012


When my mom talks about boys that she dated before she married my dad it's always pretty entertaining. Especially when she talks about "Bruce." Some comments are along these lines:

-Yeah, Bruce was really rude. I wouldn't have asked him to pick me up from the airport
-One time Bruce left me at a gas station
-Rude Bruce used to tell me I needed to lose weight


Though I get a kick out of my mom's rantings, I've recently realized that this guy is a real person somewhere with real feelings and a real life...
And so from this point forward I have vowed to try my darnedest never to be somebody's "Bruce."

I really love people. Genuinely. And when something doesn't work out, it's important to remember that most of the time that's just all there is to it. Just because something didn't last this time, don't forget that something, someday, WILL. And that's all that matters.

So if something has ended between me and someone else, I hope I was at least good and kind.
I'm willing to bet most girls that you think are "bitches" are actually really emotionally struggling with a lot of things. In fact, most people are deeper than you make them out to be. I don't know. Try not to hate people I guess is what's been on my mind. Try really really hard. Because it's just not worth it.

Try to love. Even when it's hard and somebody seems like a complete and total "Bruce."

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Pajama Jeans aren't even comfy

So I'm in that transition period between Winter and Spring right now. I guess we all are. But this year it's the kind where I'm still in Provo, a lot of my friends have left, and I feel sad A LOT.
And I unbutton my pants at work like, EVERY DAY. (sorry I'm not sorry)
I've been trying to distract myself and tell myself that things are fine. Like, you know, I have class and work and I still have cool roommates and some friends in the ward and my family and things.
But transitions prove to be hard regardless. And life is hard.

So I think about what would make me happier.

1. A PILE of kittens. Just like a whole big pile of them.
2. Musical friends that I could be in a band with. (Yesterday I happened upon some gentlemen in Condo Row who play in a band and offered my services to them but turns out I'll probably never see them again because of strangers are danger/awkward.)
3. Being back in Seattle.
4. Being in California with Christy.
5. Being in Europe with the rest of freaking everyone I know in the world. Like seriously? I feel like everyone goes on a Study Abroad. Why can't I do that? Where's my thousands of dollars?!
6. Being skinnier.
7. Having cuter clothes.
8. Hanging out on 100block again.
9. I dunno. Maybe like a soda. Maybe a boyfriend.

 BOYS. FRICK. I guess it's also that time of the year where I unrealistically daydream about dating everyone that I come in contact with until I eventually remember "how my life works" and give up. LOL.

In the meantime, here's a picture of Nancy holding Tyler's nephew Sterling--AKA the cutest ball of baby ever--Also for your viewing pleasure, a little Mexican boy with a bowl cut that I saw in Seattle. Adorable.

I know that life is good and that things will turn out okay. I do. But
sometimes I just freaking want to know what's coming next and what I should be doing with my life. And I just sometimes wish for a giant pile of kittens. That's all. 

Friday, April 6, 2012

Diaries of a fat kid

I'm at work right now and before I got here I went to Taco Bell. I ordered a meal deal #1 which consisted of a chicken burrito, a medium mt. dew (no ice) and a bag of doritos. But as I was ordering I thought to myself, I'm going to still be SUPER hungry if I only eat a meal deal #1. So I said "And can I also get a beefy 5 layer burrito with that also?" (I really did say "also" twice because I get nervous at the drive-thru, but more on that later.)

So I gathered my spoils--totaling a mere $4.04--went home, and scarfed. The burritos tasted like they had been sitting out for 6 hours, but I scarfed nonetheless. I didn't eat the doritos because I got full.
Immediately after I had demolished my $4 worth of reckless abandon, I felt sad. I remembered waking up this morning and looking at myself in the mirror and vowing that I would keep it under control today.
--Don't worry guys, this isn't the part where I tell you that I threw up because I didn't learn anything from that Lifetime movie I watched in middle school. Yeah right, that video was next level scare-tactics.--
But this is the part where I wonder 'how come I can't get control of my life?

Last year around this time I told myself I would do better. I started weight watchers and went to the gym pretty regularly. And guess what? I lost 15 pounds in like 5 months! I was super proud of myself. I bought new clothes and I felt pretty and confident.

Well...then school started and all hell broke loose. I suddenly became completely incapable of controlling my eating habits. I started to justify eating o
ut for every meal because I just "didn't have time to cook." I wigged out over my work/class schedule and started eating huge meals in the middle of the day followed by weird dinners at night and LOTS of soda everywhere in between. Consequently over the last 7 months I don't think I've gained back all 15 pounds, but I'm probably at least halfway there...I don't know for sure. I haven't weighed myself in a while...

Here's my plan though:

I'm going to hit up Weight Watchers on Saturday morning. I'm going to weigh myself and figure out the collateral damage and then commit once again to doing something about it. Then, over the summer when I'm not super busy, I can lose 15 pounds again!

Just to be clear--I don't see myself as extremely overweight. I see myself as pretty normal weight-wise. I don't obsess over the circumference of my thighs, or spend hours playing with my fat while talking to other people about how fat I am. I only do that, like, once or twice a week. As Zack Galifianakis might say "I'M NOT THAT FAT!" But, I don't feel particularly great about myself either. And that's what really counts. I want to escape from the person I've become who gobbles down a McChicken sandwich and a large coke from McDonald's almost daily. NOBODY WANTS TO BE/LOVE THAT PERSON. I'm pretty sure about that.

Eating is emotional and psychological...and thinking about controlling it makes me extremely anxious. It's a guilty pleasure, it's an escape, it's a's an ADDICTION.

Basically, I just don't want to have to shell out money for a bunch of new pairs of pants. I want to keep wearing the pants I have! This one's for you, pants.
And for you, Paula.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Conference Weekend

Come listen to living prophets
General Conference is this weekend. There's some pretty cool promotional stuff about it up on right now if you haven't checked that out yet.

Anyway...I may not always be the best example, but I want to just take a second to let anyone who's listening know that I really believe in something.

I have been a "Mormon" my whole life. As I grew up surrounded by this church, I felt it act as an anchor. I made mistakes and took the time to really consider if what I had been learning about all along was good and right, but no matter what I was going through, I always had a deep, real feeling that an all-knowing, all-powerful, and loving God was watching over me. I have just always known that things are going to work out.

Being a Mormon means believing that God restored the fullness of his gospel to the earth through the prophet Joseph Smith in 1820, and that we have had prophets to lead and guide us since that time. President Thomas S. Monson is the current prophet and he receives direct revelation from God. He will be speaking this weekend to the world. Because God loves everyone in THE WHOLE WORLD. (If you've ever wondered why Mormon missionaries are always bugging people, it's basically because they want them to know that.)

So, even if you're not "into organized religion", or "following all the rules"...this stuff can make you feel good. Like really good. And that's all that matters right? We're alive, living on this earth, and we want to be happy. And you know what makes me happiest? Cats. But also, feeling loved. This gospel--at its very core--is about love. And the good feelings that come with knowing you're set. That if you just try to be good, and do what is expected of you, you don't have to worry. Things are going to work out.

So I didn't intend for this post to be anything but a couple of links, but here we are. Sorry if this is all very scattered. The main point I'm trying to make here is that we have the opportunity to hear from living prophets of God. (Just like Moses and Abraham and all those guys in the bible.) And when you get to hear counsel from the prophet--God's right hand man on earth--you get to hear how much God loves you. And knows you.
So, come listen.


Friday, March 23, 2012

classified ad

I don't know how to write songs that aren't sad...unless they're for someone's wedding. But then they still sound sad...
BUT . If I was in a band I could sing happy fun songs! And everything wouldn't always sound the same. So. Somebody make me their vocalist please. I'm average at guitar, love to sing, can write, and have great ideas.
So to any aspiring musicians, hit me up!

Monday, March 19, 2012

Birthday weekend! (PICTURES)

So this weekend I turned 21. It really happened. The clock struck midnight and I pulled a slot machine and chugged a keg of beer.
But what really happened is this:
At midnight, Vanessa and Megan and I went to 7/11 and I purchased a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon. (Hipster beer). The lady at the counter asked me if I was going to drink it. I said "Nope. Just want to pour it out somewhere!" Then after a brief run in with Provo sensation "B-Money" we traveled to the top of a parking garage and voila! It was so fun. It made me feel like a 21 year old.

I woke up the next morning at 10:30 and my roommate Tiffany had bought me french toast from Kneaders! It was a grand gesture. So nice :) Then things got real boring. Vanessa had left for Disneyland and everyone was in school so I decided to go to the mall by myself. I boughta blazer and a skirt and some cute bobby pins. Also, this happened while I was in the dressing room:
A CHILD. I gave birth to that child. Nah Jking, but she scooched on in from the room next to me. It was hilarious/terrifying. At least I had pants on when she arrived.

After the mall I met up with Gilbert because he's on spring break and had nothing better to do.
We went to McDonalds. He's super happy.

Then at 7 I went to Slab Pizza with some friends to celebrate. I got the pulled pork pizza and everyone was in awe of it. They were all, "Woah, can I have a bite? Can I have another bite?" And I was all, "I told you to get this kind but you didn't listen! But sure, have a bite of my birthday pizza is okay."
Here I am, happy to share my birthday pizza with friends. (That's a new app by the way. Pizza with friends. Have you heard of it? I'm sure it's real.)

Next we went to my house for a tiny little baby party. When we got to the doorstep we discovered THIS!
My visiting teachers made me a cat cake!! It was the highlight of all my birthday dreams and it tasted DELICIOUS. They must have put crack in there because there's no way it was just funfetti. Mmmm.

The next day was Friday and I decided to keep celebrating my birthday. So I went to Red Robin and got free ice cream pie stuff. It was perfect. Friday is also the day my camera arrived!! I got a Nikon d3100 and I'm super pumped about it! So expect way cooler pictures in the future! (Or don't. I might be too lazy to upload real pictures.) Then that night Christy and I party hopped. Overall a great time.

Saturday was St. Patrick's day! We searched the town for Shamrock Shakes, but every single McDonald's south of Denver was out. So. That put a damper on our spirits. We did get to eat green ketchup though. TASTES ALMOST JUST LIKE RED KETCHUP!
If you've seen Troll 2, you'll understand me when I say I felt like I was in Nilbog while eating this stuff. It even made our mouths green.
Other Saturday events included: Getting a manicure from Christy (and playing draw something on Gilbert's iPhone a whole lot, and posing on Christy's bike with her--we're engaged),
Wearing my roommate's hair extensions for 5 minutes,
And going to a show in a bar!! They checked my ID and everything. Plus it was St. Patrick's Day so they had tons of green beers. I said, No thank you please. And drank some of Gilbert's coke out of a Stine instead.
Anyway it was a suuuuper fun weekend. I got a little sick so I'm getting over that, but overall I did a ton of stuff and was totally 21 all weekend. And now I'm at work on Monday wearing a cute ring that I bought for myself.
See?! Christy got a matching one. It's tortoise though.

Well I hope you enjoyed a thousand pictures in this post! I actually did a TON more stuff than I listed here. Like went to lunch with Haley who is getting married and got to see the bridesmaid dress I'll be wearing! (Still need to buy my plane ticket for Texas...) Basically I lead a crazy fast paced fun filled life LOL!
But not really. I sat in bed eating crackers for an hour last night. Don't be fooled ;)

Monday, March 12, 2012

Sometimes I tweet

Okay maybe I'll tell you a little bit more about the twitter thing. In the form of very unorganized thoughts.
  • The only people that want to date me are from the internet. This never works and leads to drama and emotional overload.
  • When I meet people from twitter the magic fades. Probably on both ends.
  • I have almost 7 THOUSAND 5 HUNDRED tweets and still shy of 200 followers.
  • So I will never be famous basically.
  • I like making jokes and reading other people's jokes...but sometimes twitter is the reason I live and breathe and when I realize this I feel sad and disconnected from the real world.
  • Drama.
  • Drama drama.
  • I miss Eric's twitter and Haley's twitter. And Natalie's twitter pre-pinball mania.
You guys. I don't know what to do. I feel like I need to be on a TLC show. Let me know if you have any tips for me.

Also, I'm sitting at work at the supervisor desk with my pants unbuttoned AND unzipped.
I was serious about those maternity jeans...

It's almost my birthday!

I'm turning 21 on Thursday y'all. I never thought this day would come. Does this mean I'm an adult for REALZIES now?!? LOL Weird.

Anyway, this is what I want:

To delete my twitter.
To buy maternity jeans with the stretchy waist.
To be skinny and find no use of aforementioned jeans.
To be friends with musicians.
To record a CD.
To own a cat.
To leave town.

I also want a digital SLR camera.
(are you wondering about that one about twitter?)

This is what I looked like last year on my birthday:

Yikes. Soooo much has changed. Here's to being older and wiser eh?

(I'll leave you to keep wondering about the twitter thing.)

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Leap Day William

If you haven't seen the latest episode of 30 Rock, your February 29th is/was probably incredibly lackluster and I'm sorry about that.

I got pretty psyched about the whole thing. I wore the festive colors and tried to spread Leap Day cheer. I even got invited to a Leap Day party tonight. But to my disappointment when I responded with, "Really?! Blue and yellow?! And Leap Day William?!" (pictured above), the guy just looked at me for a few seconds and said "I'm not sure what that means." Either way it's been a fine Leap Day. I took a 2 hour nap because "real life is for March!" and haven't really done anything else...but hopefully I'll be wining and dining with Christy after work. I do love food a whole lot.

Ugh. Work. Work lately has been so busy. Or, at least I've been scheduled during busy hours a lot lately. It tends to wear me down. I used to be super productive at work. I could knock out several homework assignments during one 4 hour shift and feel great about my life. But these days I usually just nibble at homework and spend the rest of my time on the internet or feeling overwhelmed.

Ugh. Feeling overwhelmed. Did you know that I'm only taking 9.5 credits this semester? Because I am. I am a human joke. And what's worse is that even though I only have 3 academic classes to be responsible for, I still manage to find ways to procrastinate and hate life.

In other news:
  • Eric had a birthday.
I made enchiladas and Nancy and Leah made cakes. (the one says Happy Tranny, the other, is Kermit. Perfect.)
Also, this picture was regrets...
  • I got to hang out with Provo 100 block kids this past weekend because a boy named Gilbert befriended me via twitter. What I mean to say is I went to like 3 local shows this weekend and it was awesome. Including a secret house show by Desert Noises.

  • And finally. Christy got some new headphones and we discovered an amusing passtime that some refer to as "Headphone Karaoke." But we just call it "Try to sing or talk like a normal person while this music is blasting really loud in your ears and you literally can't hear anything, not even your own voice."
    Kind of lengthy title, but the results are hilarious. Enjoy.


Tuesday, January 31, 2012

My heritage

Want to see the cutest picture of my parents ever?

It's a little bit small because I got it from my mom's facebook. Which, I must say, is hilarious in and of itself. My mom needs to start blogging so the rest of you can see picture captions that say things like "I am a bunny with cheetah gloves" or "Andrea sitting? In the snow? I don't think, so." Yes. The comma is placed after "think."

Anyway, they took this picture of themselves. Because my mom, as previously mentioned, is hilarious, and stages photoshoots of herself and my dad and the cat all the time. Here's one with the cat.

"Addy has lazer eyes."

Am I a lucky kid or what!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012


I have a confession to make. I don't believe in gluten intolerance.
Let me rephrase.
I was born to a Nurse Mom. Which means that instead of lavish dance competitions my childhood was filled with the excitement of little to no sympathy for ailments. Barfing your Froot Loops? Go to school. Snot rockets for days? Keep your chin up! Chicken pox? FINALLY! Etc.

I am consequently under the (probably false) assumption that my mom knows more about health issues than your mom, and so when she tells me that so and so is probably just getting tested for fibromyalgia because they want attention...I tend to believe her.

Which leads me to gluten. Call me crazy, but I feel like gluten allergies are SO IN right now. It seems like it's "the thing" lately to be allergic to anything that tastes normal! I don't know if I buy it. Yes, I understand the 50 year old man who humbly cannot take the sacrament on Sunday because he is gluten intolerant, or sure, the skin and bone skinny girl from my freshman ward who made potato pancakes regularly...
But I don't understand how so many people now are just deciding that they can't eat wheat products these days!

It got me to thinking about my own eating habits. I wonder if there's any way I could justify claiming that I have a food allergy. For example. Every time I go to Cafe Rio I get the runs. Every single time. Does this mean I'm allergic to Cafe Rio? Maybe. Am I going to start telling everyone I know that I can't eat there because I'm intolerant? NO. HE-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS NO.

I'm sorry if you really do have this disease and you've struggled with it for years...but if one day you thought to yourself "Hm. I get diarrhea too often" and diagnosed yourself with a gluten intolerance/allergy/whatever...?
I have no sympathy for you. Maybe you just need to eat more vegetables and fruit and exercise or something!

I don't know. I'm no doctor. Just know that my mom is a nurse. So to you attention seekers out there I say, GO TO SCHOOL YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A FEVER, EMILY.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The 2 weeks from Hell sent to destroy me

Remember in October or something when it was time to register for winter semester and I had no idea what to take so I only added 2 classes? Well. Turns out that's sort of the worst thing that could've happened to me.
These past two weeks--the first 2 weeks of school--have resulted in a frenzy. This picture probably best expresses how I've been feeling:

I've been in a constant state of uneasiness, worry, and panic. I've been adding and dropping classes like crazy. I don't know whether or not to be a full time student because I don't have any classes to take. If I'm not full time, what am I doing with my life? I've been trying to finish up the process of applying to the advertising program this whole week. I can't even focus on school. I never sleep...

I feel like this happens to me to some extent at the beginning of every semester--I scramble and I freak out and then things turn out fine. But this time there has been more scrambling than ever before. Which thus leads to more freaking out...

I know these are major first-world problems, and I know everything is going to work out...I just can't breathe right now. And my hair is in a top-knot. I've never done that before! What's happening to me.
This picture best expresses me trying to feel better by taking sad pictures of myself:

(This photo will be on the back of my first novel: "Lady in the Water Balloon.")

I mostly blogged this morning because I started to feel like I was tweeting too much again. Another issue in my life. I HAVE IT SO HARD U GUYS.

No. But really. I'm fine. I'm not dying. My life is not ending. I just have to pretend I know what I'm doing for a few more days, and it'll all be over! And I had a really nice dream about cats last night so. Everything is fine.

Good thing I have Noah and the Whale stuck in my head! L-I-F-E-G-O-E-S-O-N

Hi my name is Emily and I have an irrational fear of starvation.

I don't know what it is, but when I'm planning out my day and looking at my schedule, if it looks like I'll be busy most of the day I start to get this fear that I will starve to death.
For example:
Today I work 6-10 AM, which, can we just talk about for a second? That's murder. It took me 7 minutes to even realize my alarm was going off this morning because I was waking up from a lovely 5 hour nap.
Then I have zumba at 10 AM. Uh. Okay. I'm gonna go straight from zombie work mode to aerobic wiz kid? I don't think so. Then I have an hour break, during which time I'll need to shower thanks to the aforementioned punch-dancing class.
Then it's BACK TO WORK for 3 hours, then straight to class from 3-5.

When I see that schedule all I can think is how am I going to eat?!?
Last night I packed a bagel with cream cheese and a yogurt and a piece of banana bread, but in the grand tradition of packed lunches, I of course forgot it at home this morning.

So. Farewell my friends. Remember that this day, the 10th of January, Emily breathed her last breath because she couldn't find time to eat like some kind of over-worked naked mole-rat.