God invented the internet

PART 1
Okay so I am not a dedicated blogger. You caught me. In fact, I mostly only blog on occasions such as this where I'm at work but have adamantly decided that I will not do any homework.

Yesterday I worked for 4 hours, then studied with a group for 3 hours, then took an oral exam, then ate Wendy's, then studied for a few more hours, and took an exam online. THEN WENT TO BED. It was ridiculous. So today when I saw that our teacher had readings due for class I took on the entitled-student-role and said to myself, "Yeah right. WE HAD TO TAKE A TEST YESTERDAY!" As if life in academics effectively can't go on after an exam. So anyway, I haven't done the readings and I probably won't. I get off in 45 minutes and I'm going to go to the temple and eat lunch with my long lost friend Emily (McDonald. I'm not talking about myself in 3rd person).

OH. Can I also say, that yesterday when I was getting ready for exam #2 I was with a group of people and they wanted to make sure the test closed at 11:55 and not 11:00. So I volunteered to call my professor who is probably old enough to be my dad? and I left a really embarrassing message "Hi....professor....We're just wondering...about the test....Yeah so...call me back!" and hung up and instantly said "I...don't know how to talk to adults." He called me back a couple hours later after everyone had left and I still didn't know how to talk to him like a grown up. Fun times.

PART 2
Back to today. Today famous Mormon blogger C. Jane Kendrick tweeted about blogging and I decided to actually read the post. I don't know why, but in the past I avoided her blog. Actually I think it's because I was overwhelmed. I discovered it and felt like I would have to go back super far to catch up on everything and I didn't want to half-ass it. So anyway, I read this post about her son's birth story and just started to cry. All of the faith and the strength amazed me. Then I read about her divorce and cried some more. Then I read a few more posts and put a few pieces of this woman's life together and figured out that she's pretty amazing. I found myself saying in my head "I'm grateful for the internet because of Mormon bloggers." Which is a hilarious thought. But it's true. So much of the gospel can be shared now with all the technology we possess. It's like when I watch those "I'm a Mormon" videos and sob alone in my room on Sunday afternoons.

I feel really peaceful and grateful right now. Last night I was praying and I felt really hopeless. I said that I knew things were going to work out, but I was feeling unsure lately as to how or when and I needed some hope. I needed strength and to be humbled.

After reading some of those posts I started to feel some hope. Like that was exactly what I needed to hear.

As of right now I feel:
That I'm 21 years old.
21.
I'm young.
I'm going to get married. And when I meet that person I will appreciate him SO much.
But for now I don't need a future husband within my grasp to be happy. I mean, yes, it kind of sucks that most of the guys I "like" seem to run far away from me, but what do I know? It's clearly not meant to be. So I should just trust that good things will happen when they are meant to. There will be someone out there who doesn't mind my off-color humor, who thinks my intelligence and aptitude for music are admirable, and who will balance out my awkwardness with their own.

Until then, here's a picture of me a little disheveled after a 15 minute long musical number in my Sunday best. Send out to any/all available bachelors! JUST KIDDING! (not kidding) Hah ha. ha.

New outfit post!

If I wasn't in school and working right  now I would be able to do lots of things.

Like get my hair trimmed.
Lay out in the sun and become a shade darker than I am now.
Go swimming.
Get shaved ice.
Ride my bike around town.
Read books for fun.
Watch more HIMYM, 30 Rock, Parks and Rec, Downton etc.
Go to festivals.
Take pictures...

I'm just reminiscing about last summer when I didn't have a care in the world. Where me, Christy, and Haley all went to ihop one day, gorged ourselves, and then fell asleep on the floor of our apartment for about 4 hours with The OC menu screen playing on repeat. THAT, my friends, is the LIFE.

But alas, here I am at work with two textbooks open, trying to catch up on my readings for class. Did you know I go to class every day (M-TH) from 4-6:30? I'm a gentleman and a scholar.

Well, mostly a gentleman.

(That shirt I'm wearing says "Who's your daddy?" w/ Darth Vader. $5. Wal Mart. Men's section.)

Bruce

When my mom talks about boys that she dated before she married my dad it's always pretty entertaining. Especially when she talks about "Bruce." Some comments are along these lines:

-Yeah, Bruce was really rude. I wouldn't have asked him to pick me up from the airport
-One time Bruce left me at a gas station
-Rude Bruce used to tell me I needed to lose weight

Etc.

Though I get a kick out of my mom's rantings, I've recently realized that this guy is a real person somewhere with real feelings and a real life...
And so from this point forward I have vowed to try my darnedest never to be somebody's "Bruce."

I really love people. Genuinely. And when something doesn't work out, it's important to remember that most of the time that's just all there is to it. Just because something didn't last this time, don't forget that something, someday, WILL. And that's all that matters.

So if something has ended between me and someone else, I hope I was at least good and kind.
I'm willing to bet most girls that you think are "bitches" are actually really emotionally struggling with a lot of things. In fact, most people are deeper than you make them out to be. I don't know. Try not to hate people I guess is what's been on my mind. Try really really hard. Because it's just not worth it.

Try to love. Even when it's hard and somebody seems like a complete and total "Bruce."

Pajama Jeans aren't even comfy

So I'm in that transition period between Winter and Spring right now. I guess we all are. But this year it's the kind where I'm still in Provo, a lot of my friends have left, and I feel sad A LOT.
And I unbutton my pants at work like, EVERY DAY. (sorry I'm not sorry)
I've been trying to distract myself and tell myself that things are fine. Like, you know, I have class and work and I still have cool roommates and some friends in the ward and my family and things.
But transitions prove to be hard regardless. And life is hard.

So I think about what would make me happier.

1. A PILE of kittens. Just like a whole big pile of them.
2. Musical friends that I could be in a band with. (Yesterday I happened upon some gentlemen in Condo Row who play in a band and offered my services to them but turns out I'll probably never see them again because of strangers are danger/awkward.)
3. Being back in Seattle.
4. Being in California with Christy.
5. Being in Europe with the rest of freaking everyone I know in the world. Like seriously? I feel like everyone goes on a Study Abroad. Why can't I do that? Where's my thousands of dollars?!
6. Being skinnier.
7. Having cuter clothes.
8. Hanging out on 100block again.
9. I dunno. Maybe like a soda. Maybe a boyfriend.

 BOYS. FRICK. I guess it's also that time of the year where I unrealistically daydream about dating everyone that I come in contact with until I eventually remember "how my life works" and give up. LOL.

In the meantime, here's a picture of Nancy holding Tyler's nephew Sterling--AKA the cutest ball of baby ever--Also for your viewing pleasure, a little Mexican boy with a bowl cut that I saw in Seattle. Adorable.

I know that life is good and that things will turn out okay. I do. But
sometimes I just freaking want to know what's coming next and what I should be doing with my life. And I just sometimes wish for a giant pile of kittens. That's all. 

Diaries of a fat kid

I'm at work right now and before I got here I went to Taco Bell. I ordered a meal deal #1 which consisted of a chicken burrito, a medium mt. dew (no ice) and a bag of doritos. But as I was ordering I thought to myself, I'm going to still be SUPER hungry if I only eat a meal deal #1. So I said "And can I also get a beefy 5 layer burrito with that also?" (I really did say "also" twice because I get nervous at the drive-thru, but more on that later.)

So I gathered my spoils--totaling a mere $4.04--went home, and scarfed. The burritos tasted like they had been sitting out for 6 hours, but I scarfed nonetheless. I didn't eat the doritos because I got full.

Immediately after I had demolished my $4 worth of reckless abandon, I felt sad. I remembered waking up this morning and looking at myself in the mirror and vowing that I would keep it under control today.

--Don't worry guys, this isn't the part where I tell you that I threw up because I didn't learn anything from that Lifetime movie I watched in middle school. Yeah right, that video was next level scare-tactics.--

But this is the part where I wonder 'how come I can't get control of my life?

Last year around this time I told myself I would do better. I started weight watchers and went to the gym pretty regularly. And guess what? I lost 15 pounds in like 5 months! I was super proud of myself. I bought new clothes and I felt pretty and confident.

Well...then school started and all hell broke loose. I suddenly became completely incapable of controlling my eating habits. I started to justify eating out for every meal because I just "didn't have time to cook." I wigged out over my work/class schedule and started eating huge meals in the middle of the day followed by weird dinners at night and LOTS of soda everywhere in between. Consequently over the last 7 months I don't think I've gained back all 15 pounds, but I'm probably at least halfway there...I don't know for sure. I haven't weighed myself in a while...

Here's my plan though:

I'm going to hit up Weight Watchers on Saturday morning. I'm going to weigh myself and figure out the collateral damage and then commit once again to doing something about it. Then, over the summer when I'm not super busy, I can lose 15 pounds again!

Just to be clear--I don't see myself as extremely overweight. I see myself as pretty normal weight-wise. I don't obsess over the circumference of my thighs, or spend hours playing with my fat while talking to other people about how fat I am. I only do that, like, once or twice a week. As Zack Galifianakis might say "I'M NOT THAT FAT!" But, I don't feel particularly great about myself either. And that's what really counts. I want to escape from the person I've become who gobbles down a McChicken sandwich and a large coke from McDonald's almost daily. NOBODY WANTS TO BE/LOVE THAT PERSON. I'm pretty sure about that.

Eating is emotional and psychological...and thinking about controlling it makes me extremely anxious. It's a guilty pleasure, it's an escape, it's a comfort...it's an ADDICTION.

Basically, I just don't want to have to shell out money for a bunch of new pairs of pants. I want to keep wearing the pants I have! This one's for you, pants.

And for you, Paula.

Conference Weekend

General Conference is this weekend. There's some pretty cool promotional stuff about it up on lds.org right now if you haven't checked that out yet.

Anyway...I may not always be the best example, but I want to just take a second to let anyone who's listening know that I really believe in something.

I have been a "Mormon" my whole life. As I grew up surrounded by this church, I felt it act as an anchor. I made mistakes and took the time to really consider if what I had been learning about all along was good and right, but no matter what I was going through, I always had a deep, real feeling that an all-knowing, all-powerful, and loving God was watching over me. I have just always known that things are going to work out.

Being a Mormon means believing that God restored the fullness of his gospel to the earth through the prophet Joseph Smith in 1820, and that we have had prophets to lead and guide us since that time. President Thomas S. Monson is the current prophet and he receives direct revelation from God. He will be speaking this weekend to the world. Because God loves everyone in THE WHOLE WORLD. (If you've ever wondered why Mormon missionaries are always bugging people, it's basically because they want them to know that.)

So, even if you're not "into organized religion", or "following all the rules"...this stuff can make you feel good. Like really good. And that's all that matters right? We're alive, living on this earth, and we want to be happy. And you know what makes me happiest? Cats. But also, feeling loved. This gospel--at its very core--is about love. And the good feelings that come with knowing you're set. That if you just try to be good, and do what is expected of you, you don't have to worry. Things are going to work out.

So I didn't intend for this post to be anything but a couple of links, but here we are. Sorry if this is all very scattered. The main point I'm trying to make here is that we have the opportunity to hear from living prophets of God. (Just like Moses and Abraham and all those guys in the bible.) And when you get to hear counsel from the prophet--God's right hand man on earth--you get to hear how much God loves you. And knows you.

So, come listen.

WATCH APRIL'S CONFERENCE HERE

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I don't know how to write songs that aren't sad...unless they're for someone's wedding. But then they still sound sad...
BUT . If I was in a band I could sing happy fun songs! And everything wouldn't always sound the same. So. Somebody make me their vocalist please. I'm average at guitar, love to sing, can write, and have great ideas.
So to any aspiring musicians, hit me up!