For Sandra
I know the feeling
The primal urge
The need to control someone I saw as smaller than me.
Lesser.
I know the feeling because I have pinned my toddler to the floor in desperation.
The weight of my legs on his tiny limbs.
Echoing his screams.
Because he needed to put on a diaper. He needed to do what I said.
A trick I learned from my own mother
As I can still remember the weight of her legs. Because I needed to brush my teeth.
But Teddy has never been lesser
Not smaller
Just in different stages of life.
Because children are whole people.
Individuals with needs and emotions.
And Teddy is important.
To me
To God.
I wanted to control him because I was tired.
Tired of cleaning up pee from the carpet
and chasing, and redirecting, and avoiding chaos.
But he was tired too.
And curious.
And afraid.
He didn't understand my frustration.
All he knew was his mother being cruel.
I saw a video of a policeman ordering a Black woman to get out of her car.
I saw panic build within him as he was met with resistance.
She was tired.
Angry.
Wanted to stay in her space.
Wanted understanding.
But all he could hear was a toddler screaming in defiance.
So he pinned her to the ground
'She wasn’t listening!'
And screamed at her.
'I’m in control!
I'm in charge!'
He knew best because he wore a badge
And that’s just the way it was going to be. (the way it's always been)
No time for listening.
Reasoning.
Patience.
Compassion.
Just primal instinct.
Authority.
The need to control this person.
Sandra.
Whom he saw as lesser.
I wanted to tell him he made a mistake.
That this woman was not his child
not a toddler running around naked at bedtime.
She had four sisters
and a mind
and a life.
A new job waiting for her at the University.
Didn’t he see her at all?
Sandra.
Capable. Young. Intelligent. Beautiful.
Just a little tired.
And afraid.
And angry.
When he first panicked, I saw myself panicking
heard myself scream at my son
and saw his face crumple into tears.
I knew the feeling—the urge to control.
And I hated myself for having a piece of that same monster inside of me.
Then Sandra was found in a holding cell
with plastic around her neck.
A whole person
another one
gone.
America has been such a cruel mother
to her Black children
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