due date

September 27th, 2019

I've been thinking about how my life would be different today
if you had stayed

belly full
bag packed

a cradle upstairs where the TV sits
Teddy's old clothes pulled out of storage

a million feelings ready to burst
all of them excitement.



We didn't name you
we didn't even get to see you come out

You just curled up one day
and sort of went to sleep
lulled by the sound of waves

and afterward the doctor kept calling you
tissue

"so much tissue!
i'm surprised you're not in more pain"

more pain.

The most pain came that day
we saw you on the screen

Monterey
March
cold enough for a sweater
but sweat dripping down our necks by midday
like ocean water licking the shore

it felt like a movie
after the "I'm sorry"
all we could hear was Fix You by Coldplay
coming from the tech's Pandora station.

Her name was Ashley and she gave me a hug. I won't forget Ashley.
Maybe we should name you after her.

That night I washed the jelly off my stomach
washed you into the bath water

three months of knowing you were there.

A week later we took your pictures off the fridge.



Now here we are

due date.
I'll think of you today:
in the pumpkin aisles of the grocery store
in my biscuits and pancakes with fresh strawberries
in the way Teddy let me hold him a little longer this morning
like he's thinking of you too.

And when I introduce myself to the neighbors they ask how many?
Just the one.

my heart twists and whispers two.