Sunday, February 22, 2009
The distant future. The distant future.
where am i?
i just got back from visiting ky and...i'm really glad that i moved to washington.
i LOVE my friends back in Flo-town. Dru, Kirsti, Yoko, Emily, Julia....everybody.
but if i hadn't moved here...
i wouldn't have a sweet name-twin-roomie for college :)
and i wouldn't have met kiersten or mike or gaby or any of the amazing people here. friends that have good standards and are really nice. like all the time. why did i ever settle for only sometimes nice?
the atmosphere is great.
either way..now i'm about to leave these friends behind too. i'm going to BYU. it's official.
i feel so weird. watching my life go by. seeing my past being created...i feel like i have a pretty good perspective. i feel mature. so i don't feel guilty when i act like a child.
have you ever just...thought about how you're going to perceive your life 20 years from now? i think about being older and remembering what's happening now. it's scary.
i hate imagining being old. because...i don't want to get any lamer. i want my kids to love me and think i'm funny and trustworthy. i want so much more than what i've lived. i want my husband to be wonderful and always see me as beautiful and his everything. i want him to love me even when we're older. i don't want to fall out of love. i'm terrified of that. i want the movies. i want that glamourous, deep, rich, i'd-do-anything-for-you love. it seems lasting..
i remembered how good music is again today. i think i remember almost every day. it really is the thing that keeps me sane. it probably keeps me insane too.
some songs. kill me.
be my distraction? i'm reading dry and augusten feels like...his infatuation with foster is just a transfer of attention. i think that's what i do a lot...i make people my new focus. just to escape. just to feel important and pretty. just to have someone to chanel my energy into.
i'm not what anyone expects. i'm not a real person really...
anyway...it's almost midnight.
my homework isn't done. it's not even close.
i'm afraid of myself and i'm afraid of going to bed tonight.
why doesn't everyone have unlimited texting?
it hurts me.