i change my mind

i'm not ready for any sweaters right now.
i just feel sick most of the time.
i think i can hold out till college, but because i want to. because i'm not ready yet.

this one is so nice and funny and everything but i just. can't. and i hope i'm not giving false hope.
i just feel sick. i feel like Sylvia and Holden..

& i don't know how to operate anymore. it's almost.
impossible for me to just have a healthy friendly relationship with a guy.
I HATE THAT.

i guess it seems like most of my blogs are just whining and stuff.
i need to get more interesting. i should work out more. yesterday i went in and there were these three really athletic girls in there watching the country music channel. it was really awkward. they must have been on some college volley ball team together or something. that's the story i made up in my head. because i don't believe in people that are really fit and not in a sport. that...doesn't happen.
but yeah. they were definitely watching extreme home makeover. at one point i almost ran right off my treadmil outside. i pictured myself just running away. freezing in my shorts. being that really weird silent girl that doesn't talk to anyone. .
i stayed though. but. i still didn't talk to them.

i'm really tired.