Monday, April 27, 2009

Reading makes me feel introverted and weird...

30 school days left of being a child.
What do I want to do with my life?
I want music, writing, US history, photography...
I want to create.

I want control.
I obsess and I replace and I hurt and I don't say anything.
I am a parasite.
I am not yours, I am not my own...

I feel like Laura in the Glass Menagerie.
Crippled. Delusional. Handicapped.

Too dramatic. My life is fine. My life is good.
My mind is full. My soul is stretched...

What happens when college doesn't automatically solve all of my "problems" ? I'm not ready for that yet.

Not even kidding.

Kids at school keep trying to give away the ending/major plot things for Ordinary People. Or they'll be talking about it while I'm around accidentally. And I so paranoid. I have this burning anxious feeling in my chest. Because SO many kids are reading it right now! If I had a number one pet peeve...I think it would be when people spoil books.

In 4th grade, Ammon Johnstun told me the ending of Harry Potter 4. ( I think it was the 4th book...) And I wanted to die. He moved away about a year after that, but to this day my mom still mentions that event any time he is brought up in conversation.

It's pretty much...unforgiveable. And NOT funny. At all. Movies...I don't mind so much. Books...I will kill everyone. Obviously if it's a classic and the plot is like common knowlege then whatever. But. Ugh. I'm just so anxious right now. I almost want to stay up all night and finish the book just so I can calm down. Like. Today in english Harshad was all "WAIT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS LATER IN THE BOOK? WELL-" And I yelled at his face and put my headphones on full volume for the rest of the class.

I guess my level of concern says something about my love for literature...
I've wanted to be an author since like. Age 7. I hope I'm not crazy and actually suck at writing. I hope...I can accomplish great things someday. Good books just. Have such a huge effect on me. They put me in this weird comatose state. I don't understand it. I think so much and feel so much. Writing thrills me. Editing is a rush. Especially other people's work.
Putting words and thoughts and images into something that breathes and makes's perfect....

Moral of the story:
Don't intentionally spoil books. It's a jerk move, and everyone will hate you.
(and if not everyone, i most probably will)

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Homework? I'm...not familiar with the term...

Pride and Prejudice Literary Analysis Assignment: Using the handout on archetypes, compose a 4-5 page essay analyzing the novel.....

My oppening sentence for paragraph 2:
"Darcy embarks on a very important Journey: the journey of love."

This paper was due friday and i'm still on page one.

In conclusion... I hate my life.


Why couldn't we have read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies?? Sigh...

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Didn't ask for a dime...

Weird mood today. :/

But I was thinking...Maybe I should be a psychologist. Because I find myself wanting to know everything about people's lives. I don't know what it is. I just...want to understand everyone. What is their family background? What obstacles in their life have they faced to make them the way they are now? How do they function in relationships; family&romantic?

I dunno. I really like making observations of people and analyzing them. In a non-creepy way I promise. People are just so interesting, and I feel like I have a pretty mature perspective on life and a good understanding of people.

In college, I need to learn how to be more outgoing. I mean, I know that I am already, but I probably need to be nicer in general and not judge people so much. It's not that I'm mean, I just avoid getting to know people sometimes based on preconceived notions.

Anyway, I got my "senior pictures" taken today. It was really stressful because I forgot it was happening until this morning so I ended up not having very well planned attire. The photographer wasn't very good either :/. Not very creative at all. The experience was just. Not what I wanted. And then we were there forever looking through the pictures she took, deciding which ones we wanted to keep, unprepared, most not artistic or attractive, 400 dollars. The whole affair was just very depressing.

I'm excited to be done with Pride and Prejudice in English and to move on to Ordinary People.

Should I be an English teacher, psychologist, journalist, author, music teacher?