Saturday, April 30, 2011

Hot and Dangerous

I've decided to start doing weight watchers again. It's day one.
I'm realizing I need to go grocery shopping if this is going to work out...Currently I am in possession of nutty bars, coco puffs, frozen dinners, and spaghetti. Gotta fix that.
So for now I'm motivated and ready to lose some weight! Because...I found out yesterday that I weigh 15 lbs more than I thought I did. And at some point in the near future I will be wearing bathing suits.

But here's the thing.
I think I have a pretty good self-image. Every now and then I realize that I'm not a stick figure like all the actresses and VS models...but then I realize I'm okay with that. I have curves and maybe a little extra pudge but I'm still cute. And certainly not obese.

SOMETIMES however, I get this twisted thought in my head:
"If I lost 20 lbs and wore trendy clothes all the time I would have so many more friends and prospective lovers." For a while I let that thought stew and get all tangled into my brain, but then I realize it is FALSE. Because guess what? I once weighed 20 lbs less than I do now, and I was the SAME PERSON. I had the same personality, same amount of friends, and the same types of guys liking me or not liking me.

So. Instead of focusing on losing weight so that I will "be hotter" or more appealing or have more friends...I'm going to focus on being healthy, and feeling better about myself in general.
Because as Ke$ha would say "U R Who U R."

Friday, April 22, 2011

Suh no one told you life was gonna be this way?

Suh. So.
I moved into a new apartment today.
And it was really hard.
Somehow this move involved more stuff than I think I've ever had. How does that happen? How do we all have so much stuff????
Anyway, somehow I'm always one of the last persons to move from an apartment. So I end up finding people's skookie pans and crock pots and oven mits and St. Patrick's Day decorations and various foods and various crap and THROWING IT ALL AWAY. Because there is no time for rational decisions when your roommates have left cupboards full of things behind! Things you may never use. Things that don't have boxes or any sign of seeming significance. Sure, we could've donated their forgotten items to the poor, sent them off to the island of misfit appliances. Except that oh wait! oh yeah! we have to be moved out in fifteen minutes and you gave us no warning of your foolishness. Dummies.
(I have randomly been watching a whole lot of Friends on DVD lately...and I keep thinking in their voices. That last bit was all Phoebe. Oops.)
Seriously though. There was some mass carnage going on this morning. Garbage bags full of useful things just littered everywhere.

Between myself and my roommate Haley, we moved around 500 lbs of apartment crap today. Maybe even 900 lbs. Or 5,000 lbs. I'm not sure. It was A LOT OF STUFF. And we only had ONE able bodied male helping us for most of the time. (Although my Asian former home teacher DID show up for about 5 minutes. He was wearing a karate kid bandanna and carried about 5 of the lightest items and set them down NEXT TO our car, and then left.) Needless to say, the events that transpired today were difficult. But every time I almost collapsed to the ground and admitted defeat I would just think, "Hey. Duh. This isn't going to last FOREVER. Eventually, at some point today, all your shiz will be in your NEW apartment! Maybe even unpacked!" And then I would calm down a little.

After we got everything inside (including my Justin Bieber cutout) we organized a little bit, tried to take naps, got SENSUOUS SANDWICHES, and organized some more.

By now, 7:44PM, I am at work and I am exhausted. I just feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone and nothing is real.

My new apartment is THE LUXURIOUS. It is so so nice. (Minus the broken coffee table. That I broke. When I sat on it earlier today.......) The bedrooms are huge and private, the bathrooms are big and fancy, the front room has nice cushy couches, and we have a washer and dryer INSIDE. I am so excited for these next few months. PLUS, I'm about .53 seconds away from campus/my job. So great.

This summer I will:
Get "tan"
Go swimming
Meet "hot local singles"
Make friends
Go to Seattle
Work work work
Get paper
Waste time
Make music
Watch a lot of movies
Have so much fun

Thursday, April 7, 2011

It's gonna be alright.

I have a few papers to write, a few finals, and then school is overrrr!
And I'll be moving into my new apartment, and working 30ish hours a week.

I declared my major. Advertising. But guess what? I have to wait until next winter semester to find out if I can actually get into the program...
And I keep thinking about this rude girl in my ward that got into the advertising program and then I feel really weary of doing it...but we'll see.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be in school forever.
I still have no idea what I actually want to DO with my life. I just know that:
I hate--writing research papers, math, physical science and all that it entails, hiking, competitive sports, and being outdoorsy.
I love--singing, writing, making music, history, grammar, vocabulary, language in general, customer service, watching movies, being creative, being loud, dancing badly, envisioning myself as a rockstar, and dreaming big.

So...I just want to be able to do what I want and not worry about what classes to take, or what to major in...I just want everything to fall into place...ha. life is a mystery.

Maybe I'll end up in the creative branch of some advertising agency. Maybe I'll write and shoot for Time. Maybe I'll be a world-touring musician. Maybe I'll write songs for country stars or for the church. Maybe I'll teach English or creative writing to high school students. Maybe I'll be a stay-at-home mom that doesn't need to bring in a supplementary income and I'll have so much fun making my kids take dance classes and play piano.
Who knows.

(If you're wondering...this is what I looked like...six years ago? Life moves FAST.)

I have learned something about faith recently. Over General Conference weekend, something clicked in my brain. I was listening to the speakers saying that our prayers are so often answered by others. That maybe the words of a family member or boss or church leader could answer a question we've had. I began to understand that it doesn't really matter if, while we're on our knees praying, we don't hear some Val Kilmer God-like voice telling us explicit answers. It doesn't matter if we don't feel some overwhelming rush of clarity when we're praying about a confusing thing. Because if we pray WITH FAITH, God will hear it. He knows us! He loves us and knows us. Better than anyone can. And when we come to him asking for something, or with questions, he's not going to ignore us. He's going to put people or certain trials/experiences in our path that will give us understanding.
I used to get discouraged with prayer because I thought that if I didn't feel something right away, it meant that I was doing it wrong, or that God was withholding my answers until later. Until I was more spiritual and praying better or something. I used to feel like my prayers weren't good enough or that I had to be doing much more in order to be qualified for answers and feelings of peace. But I think I understand now.
Faith means believing that things will work out. It means asking for something, praying about something, and then hoping and believing that God will provide.
Now I feel like I don't have to worry so much.
And that's good.