Wednesday, March 18, 2009

blahg

-i wish...we wrote more in my english class. it's pretty much a joke. last year in AP i felt like i learned so much and grew. now i just sit. stagnant in a pool of lazy adolescense. i'm thinking hamlet was the most intellectual depth we've experienced so far.
i'm not saying she doesn't give us enough work. because i hate homework really. and she does make us read books and stuff. i just...don't feel like i'm learning very much.

-i've become very careless regarding the musical lately. yesterday gaby jones and i left early to go to taco bell because wilson sent us into a room to do nothing.
today, mike and i went to the talent show callbacks, and in the process of getting ready to go to practice afterwards, ended up getting into my car, and laying in the sun for a half an hour. we made it for about five minutes of rehearsal. just on time for mike to punch holden in the face. then the fire alarm went off and we went home.

is it bad that i feel such satisfaction from shirking in my responsibilites? i think it's mostly drama though. if i missed seminary all the time on purpose or didn't do my homework i wouldn't feel happy. i'd feel stressed. which i pretty much do already.

i've been having crazy dreams lately. i keep going back to kentucky. or bodies of water. i've had dreams on the coasts of beaches and rivers or lakes a lot lately. and of course there's my reoccurring public restroom nightmareish anxiety dream.
in the past few nights: my tongue got split in half, i conoodled with another fellow, i floated on a couch, i lost emily's coat....etc.
very intersting.
i need a joseph to interpret please.

i'm very sleepy. i slept 8 hours last night and took an hour nap today...but alas. i am sleepy. (i always feel like dumbledoor when i try to use the word alas. "alas...earwax". you know what i mean.)
maybe i'm depressed?
nah.
just. tired.

goodnight.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

I ate a whole lot today...

Hearing about my parents' lives...
really makes me grateful for the home I've grown up in.
I can't believe how lucky I am sometimes really.

A lot of the time, I'll try to find problems with my life, so that I can fit in more...
But everyone does that right? To some extent?

(Generic example)
Friend A: Dude my parents got divorced three years ago and my real dad doesn't even know how old I am because he's a big druggie
Me: Well...my dad...his mom ran away when he was little...and my uh...mom...is a nurse...sometimes...i get heartburn...(ETC)

That's dumb. Why do I do that? Why do people do that? I think we look for things to blame. We don't want to be the person in the group of friends with a small amount of problems. "i feel sorry for you for having a rough past. let's see...my life has to have things wrong with it...well there was that one time...let me just make it seem very bothersome even though it's not a huge deal..."
I dunno.

My sister said one time that everyone should get a little therapy.
So I think about that a lot. And I feel like I should get some. But is that me really wanting someone to listen and help me sort out my brain? Or am I just trying to fit in with the crowd?
Probably both.
Probably because I confide in the internet and friends instead of parents or other family members...
shrug.

Heppy Burthday to me

Let's contemplate my life....

There are a lot of people that I can't seem to forget about. And I wish I could but. They're burned in there.
So then, I wan to write songs about them. That way, if it's in music, it's off my chest, yeah?
But that doesn't make 100% sense really.

I'm afraid to graduate. :(
I'm SO excited to go to college. But...I've formed so many friendships since I've been in Washington. Already! I feel like I've known these people for years. It's not fair that I only get a year with them and then they'll go on living their lives. And then whatever I have left of Kentucky. Does that just dissolve too?
I guess that's how life goes...
I keep thinking about how next year I'll be on facebook looking through everyone's pictures of fun times without me...

hm.

I've never dated a Mormon.
College...should be interesting. I hope Emily keeps me in check so I don't go crazy.

I love too many people. I love too easily. Yet "I've never loved nobody fully. Always one foot on the ground." I'm afraid, when I get to BYU I'll say. Oh. since you are Mormon and I am out of high school, it's ok. Let's get married.
I don't want to be a freshman fiance :/
I need help. I need intervention.
I need something stronger holding me down so that I don't give myself away to people so often. I move from one person to the next. I'm psychoanalyzing myself a lot lately.

I know what I need. I know what's missing. I'm pretty sure.
I'm hesitant to take those steps though. I feel like I won't make it. The bad guy will bring me down when I get close. It usually happens that way.

My life is unbalanced. Unstable. I'm so willing to let someone become my other half. But so cautious in getting closer to what I should be.
Story of my life: I get lost in high school relationships. They are the alcohol in my alcoholism metaphor. I replace substance with infatuation. And I make all my infatuations seem like they will last forever. I let someone else be my focus and distraction. I let them consume me and I tell myself that nothing else matters. This person loves me. I should make them feel wonderful. I should focus most of my energy toward making them feel good. (maybe this is getting into that whole "if you feel sorry for yourself, do something for others" thing...)
So it goes. I become distanced from my parents and from important things. I work hard to gain all the attention of this person. I want them to be consumed with me so that I will feel important and always wanted. I work hard to make them happy. After a while...I end up being untruthful to myself. I realize what I've been doing. I detach myself from that person and say it won't happen again. And then like the leech I am, I do it again.

Am I right here?
Am I spot on?
You guys know me. Am I right in thinking all of this is so derogatory?
I'm pretty sure they way I am is unhealthy.
I think I need a second opinion.

Sunday March 15th.
That's my birthday.
I hope...this next year of life gets better. I hope I progress and not digress even further. I feel like Emily can help me with that. She's like Casey. They are good. I'm glad God gave me another Casey.
Now I just need to work toward being more like that.

I want:
- to take a million pictures and be in photography again
- to make amazing music at Mike's house
- to be in a professional choir again
- the musical to be over
- to have a really easy high-paying job
- to finish high school
- to sleep more
- to eat less
- a clockstoppers watch to stop time so that I can do a million things (or even just so i could do the things that i should be doing daily)
- to watch every episode of arrested development, 30 rock, freaks & geeks, the office, stella, flight of the conchords, sabrina...
- to watch movies
- a better acoustic guitar
- unidad, peace and joy, washirika, hallohallo...

EKTA! EKTA!
Sahayta......sahayyyyyta.....


Mrs. Duffy asked me who my favorite songwriter was. It surprised me when i automatically replied, "Jenny Lewis".
I want to go to there...