Tuesday, May 26, 2009

do you feel?

I've used the word FEEL so much recently i don't know what it means anymore.

"the talking leads to touching...and then there is no mystery left. and i'm bad news." RK
"i knew you'd feel the same things..." BF
"and i feel nothing...not sane"RK
"the world is sleeping and i am numb." BF

when i feel weird, there are two artists i can always resort back to. rilo kiley and ben folds. i'm not trying to be cool right now...or show off. i'm just trying to feel. figure myself out...


Monday, May 25, 2009

These past couple days have been good. I'm pretty sure.
I'm kind of in a weird trance lately. I guess it's possible to become re-infatuated with someone multiple times?
My moods are so rollercoastery.. sheesh.

so i have a big project for health due on friday. i get to research a street drug and make a poster. i'll start that...later.
for english we get to write an epistolary poem due thursday.
i think i'll post it if it turns out nicely. i'm pretty freakin excited.

school is almost out but i'm still worrying over dumb projects. dumbb.
& i need a job :( really badly. i might have to resort to fast food. and die.
fast food is always hiring :(

anyway i got fake nails for prom. they're already starting to grow out though. gross.
& some complications:
oppening cans of soda
scratching an itch satisfyingly
texting
typing
nose-blowing
applying mentholatum
popping zits
so i should probably get rid of them soon. ha.

i'll write a more thought-provoking blog...later...

Sunday, May 24, 2009

I hate Dave Matthews

A lot.
"it's kind of funny...when you look at it....one kid is walking ten miles to school...another kid is droppin out.."
and his VOICE.
and everyone at ryle that was obsessed with him.
i will never understand.
i'm sort of focusing all my frustration out on him though. since he came on the radio as i pulled into my garage at the end of this night.

get me out of here...

Sunday, May 10, 2009

"Berger is right, the body never lies."

i was talking to mike on the phone last night. i got pretty worked up. i think i talked for ten minutes straight, nothing on the other line, without even realizing it. i was trembling a little. all the memories and the awkwardness and the pain started flooding back...
i don't want to dwell.

I finished ordinary people today. I swear. It's like reading your life. It puts me in the weirdest mood. How does the author do it?? When I read books now, half of my concentration is on the context, half on literary devices and symbolism, and half on "what was going on in the author's mind when they wrote this?? What inspired this??" It drives me insane.
Judith Guest. Her biographies online are so impersonal. I want to know what happened in your life! write an autobiography! what shocking traumatizing events happened to you to make your characters so real!? i don't believe that their believability comes only from your imagination!!

but...if it does....
i feel like. i could become a real author. and that makes me smile.
she sounds just like me. never finished anything growing up but loved to write. majored in education because she was afraid of pursuing creative writing right away. got married, had some kids, and THEN wrote my favorite book of all the land.

i want to live her life...

in other news. i'm really glad for boys that are real. i wish they would have been more present in my life before now...
my heart is floating. :) i can be a real girl. i can be a young woman. because there is a real boy expecting that of me. this is good. this relationship. it's preparing me for BYU. for meeting a husband someday. it's changing my stupid mind and making me a better person.
I'm so happy. :)

Saturday, May 2, 2009

i am not depressed.

i'm not.
you have to...not be able to be happy to be considered depressed right?
i get happy.

singing helps me express myself the most. but writing does too. so by default i think that i should write songs. but. i'm not very good. and it's very annoying. all of my melodies are either extremely basic or the same as other ones or sound like a country song or sound like a cheesy cheese fest. listening to good music is so frustrating! because i want to make music as good as them. but. it doesn't happen....
i need a personal composer and musical accompaniment group....
then i could be famous. i'll write the lyrics, i'll sing, you just give me the tune and the sounds...
sigh.

too bad i don't have a personal recording studio like Mike...

AHHHHHHFDKSHFDJHKSKFKHSKFDJH
High school musical quote time...?
"i don't know where to go, what's the right team? i want my own thing. so bad i'm gonna scream. i can't choose, so confused, what's it all mean? i want my own dream. so bad i'm gonna scream..."

things that are bothering me:
lack of connection
confusing person
grad requirements
susan boyle
swine flu
sinus problems (i want surgery)
prom dress
lack of sleep (as i write this blog at 2am)
lack of 30 rock
lack of money/job
not being in shape
some girls at school
fiddler on the roof
seventeen magazine
people's lives looking perfect from facebook
lack of camera
choir stuff
....etc.

i'm asleep right now. help.