Friday, January 30, 2009

i want. my hand held!

i wish i could be like one of those girls that gets whatever attention they want from whatever guy they want....without being a hussy and without having "serious" relationships.
does that even make sense?
i'm just too dependent.
i probably will get married my first year at byu.
i'm ridiculous.
i just. miss it. whatever happened to last year when i was totally FINE w/out boy?
seriously, i was happy and didn't like anyone and didn't feel the need to. for the most part. i was just. content.
now i'm back to. pathetic. i need dru back! she know how to make me not feel dumb.

it's 2 am.
i'm supposed to wake up for the retreat in like. six hours?
ha. i'm going to die.
2 days of dance class has pretty much killed me already. and i'm sure we're going to be dancing a ton this weekend.
my "dance teacher" at bothell said i need:

1) to drink lots of water
2) eat real food
3) and get plenty of rest

good thing i never sleep! i'm ridiculously sore. that class is way intense/awkwardCITY/a HUGE self esteem downer.

but anyway. i hope i don't pass out or something.
i just. don't want to go to bed. or pack. or wake up.
i'm freezing.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

i change my mind

i'm not ready for any sweaters right now.
i just feel sick most of the time.
i think i can hold out till college, but because i want to. because i'm not ready yet.

this one is so nice and funny and everything but i just. can't. and i hope i'm not giving false hope.
i just feel sick. i feel like Sylvia and Holden..

& i don't know how to operate anymore. it's almost.
impossible for me to just have a healthy friendly relationship with a guy.

i guess it seems like most of my blogs are just whining and stuff.
i need to get more interesting. i should work out more. yesterday i went in and there were these three really athletic girls in there watching the country music channel. it was really awkward. they must have been on some college volley ball team together or something. that's the story i made up in my head. because i don't believe in people that are really fit and not in a sport. that...doesn't happen.
but yeah. they were definitely watching extreme home makeover. at one point i almost ran right off my treadmil outside. i pictured myself just running away. freezing in my shorts. being that really weird silent girl that doesn't talk to anyone. .
i stayed though. but. i still didn't talk to them.

i'm really tired.

Monday, January 19, 2009


Life is like....

Over the summer i ventured to a brand new store completely new and exciting! i wasn't sure though if i'd like it so i felt sad and missed my old stores for a while.

Once i got there though there was the coolest sweater ever! i eyed it for a while. never buying it though because i wasn't sure. i didn't have my friends to tell me if it would look good on me or not. i almost bought it once but...i was too scared.

So after a while they didn't carry it anymore. and i started looking at other sweaters.
this was pretty cool. kind of in a risky price range though. suddenly on an impulse buy i grabbed it and bought it! at first i was all "yeah cool! this new sweater rocks! oh well about that other one." then i got home and tried it on and i wasn't so sure anymore. it wasn't as flattering as i'd hoped. it didn't match anything i owned and i started wondering..."i wonder how that other sweater is doing? or any other sweater?"

Anyway i kept this impulse buy in my closet for a while. because it was sooo cute and i just felt good having it. i didn't want to return it because then someone else might get it and i just. felt responsible for having it since i was the one who bought it so fast.
but After a while i felt guilty for having spent so much money on a sweater that i couldn't really wear so i took it back.

That old sweater...they had it in stock again when i went back to the store. but i think the original was bought by someone else. so it wasn't the same.
The original sweater was being worn by someone else and it started posting confusing blogs about girls via metaphor and riddles.

so now i have no sweater and i don't even know if i'm cold anymore. really the store doesn't have anything to offer me at this point in time. sure there are tons of great sweaters all over the racks including this one that is hilaroius, but i don't know if i feel ready for a new one yet. i might have to wait until i go to that new store in utah. see if they have some good modest sweaters....

I never know with me though. I end up buying sweaters often so. Who knows what could happen. AH.

(i don't think i'm making fun of you btw. just. trying this out. if i wanted to mock you it'd be way more obvious. and hilarious. because i'm funny.)

Sunday, January 18, 2009


2 days ago i spent my night drawing pictures and dying my hair and watching it's alwyas sunny in philadelphia with kiersten.
Yesterday i woke up really 9am...and went to weight watchers with mom and got really jazzed about losing weight again! well kind of jazzed.
then i went to the frye art museum with kiersten and sarah and brianna but all the exhibits were closed so we only got to see this lame student art project where they played the xylaphone as cars drove by....??
Next we ate Thai food and i got chicken skewers and said "i just love meat..on stick.." because shishkabob rules. (so much for weight watchers...) and the lady asked me if coca-cola was the same thing as coke. teehee.
we also got gormet popcorn. kiersten and i split a bag of black raspberry with...white stuff on it. so good. (so much for weight watchers...)
Anyway i had to leave early to go to what took up the rest of my day.

Best of EFY.
it was. so good. 4-11pm. The first speaker was this 6ft tall lady that spent her first 20 minutes making jokes about said height. ha...ha...? one anecdote involved her impression of japanese children...uh...
good talk though. she was animated.
The next guy was amazing. he was this little red faced guy that talked about having your "spiritual plate" turned up. and he said that your behavior and worth aren't linked which was really nice to hear.
The third guy talked about scripture power. gave the best analogy. we're supposed to "feast" on the scriptures so what do you do before you "eat"? pray. then what do you do before you "swallow"? "chew".
he also brought up that scripture are the voice and will of the lord, and that the prophet's cousel are scripture. so when the prophet asks us not to do steady date in high's the lord asking us to do that...

and then i got a little upset.
because i did the right thing...
but i still feel guilty because he got hurt.
at the same time i feel hopeful that it'll work out for the better...
but i dunno. i don't seem to learn from my mistakes...huff.

Anyway there was a dance after. Bellevue's dj sucks. he tried to play "to the windowwwwwww to the wall...." and cyclone. and really bad songs. and when he wasn't playing inappropriate songs he played either swing or techno mixes of everything.
LAME. so lame. Bothell dj rocks.
i got kind of sad because i only got asked to dance like once. but. i guess i don't really know how to be myself anymore. right now anyway.
oh. plus. this guy TOTALLY jumped on my foot. so it hurts a lot now. ha. he didn't even notice.
i mean. come on. i'm a SENIOR. "i get no respeck"

so yesterday was..good..for the most part.

Today i ate my weight in spaghetti and then later, muffins. (so much for weight watchers...)
i really hope this thing doesn't haunt me for the rest of the year. i really hope it gets better soon. i just want to be like somebody else. i want to have different trials than the ones i have.
college...better be good.
ew my life is changing. ew weird. wasn't i like 14 yesterday? AHHHH. youth is fleeting.
somebody get me a clockstopper watch :)

Saturday, January 3, 2009

'Regrets are for horseshoes and handbags'

sometimes i forget how much i love music until i listen to it with headphones.
seriously. it's so different. you hear things you never caught before. your brain is flooded with beautiful entrancing sounds. you melt..
i guess there's a similar experience when blasting a cd alone in a car at night. but. i'm not sure.
headphones can do wonders.
especially after i feel really weird.
i can feel as weird and tight throated and numb as i want to. just gimme some headphones and margot and i'll melt. it's OKAY.

i....want more books. i want to write books. i want to never go back to high school.

somebody save me.

yeah. i'd say i feel pretty weird right now.

and all because i accidentally pressed "view profile" on my myspace and heard Come Here Boy through my 30 Rock-via internet-watching headphones....

am i about to throw up?